When I first met Mian, my husband, he had a group of very close friends. There were four guys, we'll call them Oliver, Matt and Shane. Shane was the ringleader and the one M considered his very best friend ever. He was the one trying to get M out of his shell, trying to get him to experience some of the American culture he was living in the midst of. Shane and Matt took M out to shop for new clothes once they realized he wasn't ever going to stop wearing those pleated khakis. They took him to a barber and taught him exactly what to say to get a cool looking haircut. They convinced him to stop oiling up his hair and scalp with coconut oil all the time. They took him out to the entertainment complex the night we met - they're the reason M and I ever met in the first place. Shane even came along for our first date to see a movie.
After we met, I didn't meet his friends for six weeks. He kept talking about this close group of friends and how loyal they all were to each other and how they'd do anything for each other but somehow I couldn't swing a meeting invite. Later I pressed him (and pressed some more) and finally got my friend Jennifer and I an invitation to join them at a pool hall for a fun evening. It was nice, all the guys were on their best behavior and friendly. Later, M told me they didn't want to do it. "No one had ever introduced a girl to the other guys before" he said.
After that, we'd occasionally spend time all together as a group. M was a student, he didn't have a lot of free time, so he'd often combine his social outings. At first it was fine. I've always been a mostly "guys-gal" kind of person, so I was fine hanging out with these four guys. We'd go to dinner or shopping or to a pool hall. They often barbequed at home together. (M and Oliver were roommates, but the other two lived pretty close by and visited often, usually unannounced.) Occasionally someone would throw a dinner party and I'd see them there (this was after other friends got married, the married couples would throw dinner parties. The barbeques were very bachelorhood-ish affairs.) Eventually, I felt pretty comfortable around them, though there were a few strange times when it seemed I was unwelcome or particularly made fun of. I could always take it though, I'm pretty self-deprecating most of the time. And usually after the first awkward hour together things would normalize and we'd have a good time all together.
Soon, though, M's graduation was upon us. He interviewed for two jobs, one in Alabama and one in DC. After a year of knowing each other I'd become his official airport-dropper-offer, and I took him for the first one. Before the second, though, I got a phone call and it was Shane on the other line. That was a first, we had never had any contact except when we we'd been thrown together in order to hang out with M. He told me on the phone that he'd like to be the one to pick up M at the airport because he hadn't been seeing him much lately and he missed him. Somehow it got turned into a big group affair and I showed up at M's house and met the three guys, went with them to pick up Mian at the airport and then we all went out to dinner. I remember talking to Shane about it on the phone and arranging how it would be a surprise, and then M wasn't surprised at all and he told me Shane had already told him he was coming. I felt so stupid. Why didn't he just tell me the surprise thing was out and he was telling M.
That phone call and the weirdness that accompanied it was the first glimpse I had into the next few weeks and how Shane would come to haunt me and my relationship with M. It just got stranger and stranger every time I saw him after that, and then soon turned into something I thought was openly hostile. M had accepted one of the job offers and was preparing to move. I was very sad. I was certain this meant the end of any relationship I had with M. There was no question in my mind we had no long-term future, and his moving several states away just hastened the end of any short-term future we had. I was sure he'd be in a marriage arranged by his parents within the year. I was okay with that, I'd expected it all along, but I was still very, very sad about it. So I was a bit emotional at the final dinner I was invited to at his apartment. All the guys were there, and after dinner they all went out to smoke cigarettes and drink their tea. I went with to drink tea and chat with them and Shane asked me "So how does it feel knowing you'll probably never see him again?" right there in front of everyone. Me and these four guys, and he's calling me out like that. I didn't answer, I just tried to hold it together and couldn't. I slowly, slowly started falling apart, first glistening eyes, then droplets ringing my eyelashes, then frantic batting them away as they started their descent.
M very quickly remembered something he had to do at the school and asked if I'd like to walk with him and I protested, all the time saying "I'm fine, it's nothing..." but luckily he still pulled me away. Then I really got going when I was out of the presence of these three judgmental pairs of eyes. I just couldn't understand why he would want to ask a question like that. Eventually I got it together, M wrapped up whatever task he'd remembered, and we went back. I don't think there was any mention about it again. But then two days later, after M had been deposited at the airport and seemingly out of my life forever, I got another call from Shane. I didn't know what to expect and almost didn't answer. I was sure no good could come out of it but curiosity and nosiness got the best of me and I answered anyway. He was calling, he said, to apologize. He hadn't meant to upset me and he'd also felt very emotional that evening because his closest friend ever was leaving and he also didn't know when he'd see him again. He ended the call by telling me that I should consider him a friend and if I ever needed anything, to please call him.
I was shocked. It made me happy. In the coming months I would think about Shane's phone call again and again. Unfortunately I would think back in confused wonderment, though, as things between he and I went from bad to worse and eventually Shane boycotted out wedding and threatened to tell M's parents "the truth" about me - whatever the heck he thought that meant. Why tell someone to consider you a friend when in reality you think they're white trash, not good enough for your friend, and you plan to work very hard to overthrow their relationship? It still confuses me to this day.
After we met, I didn't meet his friends for six weeks. He kept talking about this close group of friends and how loyal they all were to each other and how they'd do anything for each other but somehow I couldn't swing a meeting invite. Later I pressed him (and pressed some more) and finally got my friend Jennifer and I an invitation to join them at a pool hall for a fun evening. It was nice, all the guys were on their best behavior and friendly. Later, M told me they didn't want to do it. "No one had ever introduced a girl to the other guys before" he said.
After that, we'd occasionally spend time all together as a group. M was a student, he didn't have a lot of free time, so he'd often combine his social outings. At first it was fine. I've always been a mostly "guys-gal" kind of person, so I was fine hanging out with these four guys. We'd go to dinner or shopping or to a pool hall. They often barbequed at home together. (M and Oliver were roommates, but the other two lived pretty close by and visited often, usually unannounced.) Occasionally someone would throw a dinner party and I'd see them there (this was after other friends got married, the married couples would throw dinner parties. The barbeques were very bachelorhood-ish affairs.) Eventually, I felt pretty comfortable around them, though there were a few strange times when it seemed I was unwelcome or particularly made fun of. I could always take it though, I'm pretty self-deprecating most of the time. And usually after the first awkward hour together things would normalize and we'd have a good time all together.
Soon, though, M's graduation was upon us. He interviewed for two jobs, one in Alabama and one in DC. After a year of knowing each other I'd become his official airport-dropper-offer, and I took him for the first one. Before the second, though, I got a phone call and it was Shane on the other line. That was a first, we had never had any contact except when we we'd been thrown together in order to hang out with M. He told me on the phone that he'd like to be the one to pick up M at the airport because he hadn't been seeing him much lately and he missed him. Somehow it got turned into a big group affair and I showed up at M's house and met the three guys, went with them to pick up Mian at the airport and then we all went out to dinner. I remember talking to Shane about it on the phone and arranging how it would be a surprise, and then M wasn't surprised at all and he told me Shane had already told him he was coming. I felt so stupid. Why didn't he just tell me the surprise thing was out and he was telling M.
That phone call and the weirdness that accompanied it was the first glimpse I had into the next few weeks and how Shane would come to haunt me and my relationship with M. It just got stranger and stranger every time I saw him after that, and then soon turned into something I thought was openly hostile. M had accepted one of the job offers and was preparing to move. I was very sad. I was certain this meant the end of any relationship I had with M. There was no question in my mind we had no long-term future, and his moving several states away just hastened the end of any short-term future we had. I was sure he'd be in a marriage arranged by his parents within the year. I was okay with that, I'd expected it all along, but I was still very, very sad about it. So I was a bit emotional at the final dinner I was invited to at his apartment. All the guys were there, and after dinner they all went out to smoke cigarettes and drink their tea. I went with to drink tea and chat with them and Shane asked me "So how does it feel knowing you'll probably never see him again?" right there in front of everyone. Me and these four guys, and he's calling me out like that. I didn't answer, I just tried to hold it together and couldn't. I slowly, slowly started falling apart, first glistening eyes, then droplets ringing my eyelashes, then frantic batting them away as they started their descent.
M very quickly remembered something he had to do at the school and asked if I'd like to walk with him and I protested, all the time saying "I'm fine, it's nothing..." but luckily he still pulled me away. Then I really got going when I was out of the presence of these three judgmental pairs of eyes. I just couldn't understand why he would want to ask a question like that. Eventually I got it together, M wrapped up whatever task he'd remembered, and we went back. I don't think there was any mention about it again. But then two days later, after M had been deposited at the airport and seemingly out of my life forever, I got another call from Shane. I didn't know what to expect and almost didn't answer. I was sure no good could come out of it but curiosity and nosiness got the best of me and I answered anyway. He was calling, he said, to apologize. He hadn't meant to upset me and he'd also felt very emotional that evening because his closest friend ever was leaving and he also didn't know when he'd see him again. He ended the call by telling me that I should consider him a friend and if I ever needed anything, to please call him.
I was shocked. It made me happy. In the coming months I would think about Shane's phone call again and again. Unfortunately I would think back in confused wonderment, though, as things between he and I went from bad to worse and eventually Shane boycotted out wedding and threatened to tell M's parents "the truth" about me - whatever the heck he thought that meant. Why tell someone to consider you a friend when in reality you think they're white trash, not good enough for your friend, and you plan to work very hard to overthrow their relationship? It still confuses me to this day.
8 comments:
His "friend" was probably jealous because he felt he was loosing him to you. And the comment about telling his family about you must have meant that since it is not really permitted to marry out of the culture and the religion, they were holding a secret over your head.
It's kind of dramatic thinking but if you have every watched Indian dramas this is how some people live their lives.
:( How hurtful. I can only hope he's matured since then. There's no excuse for such behavior, but too often it seems foreign muslim brothers will come here... paty... only to judge most american girls as "trash." Maybe those are the few they find trying too hard in clubs or whatever. I hope you realize he's just a sour person and can ignore his hurtful actions.
I've read one single blog post about him so I'm pretty sure my lack of degree in psychology is even LESS valid than usual, but it reminds me of experiences I've had with people who were a bit mentally ill. Mild, maybe, but that's the sort of thing that often explains situations where someone's behavior is very puzzling.
Honestly, I think that he wanted to have some fun with you at the end. I hope your husband is not friends with this guy any longer. Such people make me sick to my stomach.
i suppose Shane was feeling insecure becuz u were getting more attention .. till today even Shane is out of touch with u .. ???
If you don't mind me looking at it from another perspective... M lost his best friend. Was that hard for him?
I guess its a guy thing. Probably Shane just wanted to keep the single life going for awhile longer but yea its a dick move nonetheless.
i like your blog.. it,s good to know about the ideas.
Post a Comment