We left off with M's closest friend telling me that I could consider him a friend and to call him whenever I needed to, and M about to jet off into the great unknown far, far away from me. At the time I was already living in another city in my last year of college, four hours away from where M lived anyway. I would come home to visit every weekend, visiting both my family and my then-boyfriend Mian. I was finishing college, and trying to get involved in the school's Muslim Students Association and taking a lot of religion classes, and eventually, a few weeks later, I converted.
When M found out, he immediately hopped on a plane and proposed. It was unexpected because we didn't talk about religion very much at all, as I've said before he was usually not a very good resource for religious questions I had. The only "our future plus religion as a stumbling block" conversation we'd ever had prior to that had focused on him asking a friend who he considered knowledgeable person on religious questions whether he could marry a Christian - getting the answer that he could marry a Christian if they really were a Christian and not just a lapsed Christian and M kind of trying to coax out of me whether I considered myself lapsed or what. Me becoming Muslim was never on the table as an option -converting wasn't expected and wasn't tied to a marriage proposal. So I was surprised that he proposed.
Apparently, M's closest friend Shane had a different understanding. Later, M would tell me about how he called Shane to break the news of our engagement. He called Shane and told him first that I had taken shahada and converted to Islam. He said that Shane immediately started laughing and didn't stop for awhile. Then he said "Well, I guess you guys are getting married then." M got angry about that and the conversation didn't last long.
Then several weeks went by with M calling Shane and his other friends, Mike and Oliver, and not really getting much back. His calls went mostly unanswered, his messages unreturned. Finally it was Thanksgiving, and M was to fly down and attend my family's Thanksgiving dinner and stay at Mike's house. The evening before Thanksgiving I was supposed to come over to Mike's house so M and I could go out for a movie. My mother even made strawberry shortcake - M's favorite - for me to take to all the guys.
When I got there, M was alone. No guys, no strawberry shortcake sharing. M was so angry he was red. They'd had an argument. M had asked what the heck was going on and Shane had tried to get out of talking about it but then there was a big long discussion about how I was no good, M could get a better girl to marry in Pakistan. You're in America, you have a Ph.D, Shane said, you can pick the best of the best in Pakistan. She's white trash - she even says so herself, Shane said, and she'll never go to law school, she's lying to you and she's just out to get your money. American girls, he said, were just for "playing" - not for marrying. Mike added nothing except that M should think about it some more, he was rushing into his decision to marry. Oliver said I could never be a good Muslim and he knew M wanted to live a good Muslim life, so he shouldn't marry me. M defended me, told them he was sure of his decision. Shane said he couldn't stand behind him, he felt guilty and responsible for the fact that M would soon marry me and later figure out what a bad decision it was because he was responsible for our meeting. He said he couldn't attend our wedding. M pressed him - you're my best friend, he said, I need you there - but Shane said he couldn't, he might not be able to control his tongue and he'd tell M's parents "the truth" about me.
M still hoped his friends would come to the wedding. Shane didn't. Mike and Oliver stood in as groomsmen. Eventually Mike stopped returning his calls too.
Ever since then, it's felt like the situation with Shane is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. A year later M got a phone call. Shane was saying he was sorry, he never should have butted in a said anything, but he was just trying to protect M from what he thought was a bad decision. He wouldn't do it again. I don't know what M said, but he told me it was over, he couldn't have Shane in his life. "You're my family," he said "I can't have anyone close to me that would say or even think those things about you."
Two year later he got an email, Shane was departing for Hajj and wanted to make amends before leaving. If there's anything I've done to wrong you, please forgive me. M replied - you're forgiven, have a blessed Hajj. Three years after that, six years after the blowup and our wedding, M signed onto Yahoo Messenger for just a second (he never uses that anymore, but all the other options weren't working well that morning) and who should send him an IM but Shane.
It was a crazy long IM conversation. Shane saying he's sorry, he was just trying to protect M, that's what a good friend would do. M saying a few things about being disappointed, and how Shane was wrong and how M needed support at a critical time and Shane not being there. Shane saying he said a lot of things he regretted . "I am sorry for what I said about [Gori Wife] before you two got married. I never said anything after you two were married. My intention were always right. I looked at you as a dear friend and I thought at the time that you were being taken advantage of by [Gori.] You were my friend not so I was being protective about you. I agree once you had made that decision I should have stood by you which I didn't. Other people around you didn't care what you did at the time but I did.I went too far with that and that was my mistake."
M saying hey, you're crossing a line by repeating those things again, and forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. Shane saying he wanted M to bring his family to his house for dinner, M saying that's crazy, we can't have a relationship, it's over and done. Shane saying M should just say so if he can't really forgive him, not say he's forgiven but then refuse to ever talk again. M saying he's has forgiven him, but doesn't want to be friends again. There's no path forward from here. The whole conversation was incredibly long and convoluted, and of course I saved every word of it. M and Shane both left it at we hope and pray for the best for you, and then it was done. There's been no contact since but I'm not positive there won't be in the future. I'm not even sure which ending I prefer sometimes.
I still scan the crowds whenever we're at a mosque in Florida, or at a shops near Shane's house. In some ways I'm really sad that M lost his best friend. For a very long time, and even still today, M was really damaged by that. As if he didn't want to be burned like that again so he wasn't going to put himself out there. He's pretty social, but he never brings anyone close into a real, true deep friendship. I had always assumed they'd get over it and one day Shane would come crash on our couch or something. For a long time I tried to get him to return Shane's calls. I didn't want to be the thing that stood in the way of them.
Then later, Oliver got a job at the same company M worked at. I used him like my one path of redemption. I pressured M to invite Oliver for dinner often. We had dinner together 3-4 times a week sometimes, and we always made him a big birthday dinner, three years in a row, even though his birthday was on Valentine's day. M would sometimes just want to come home and chill and have dinner and I'd insist he invite Oliver. It was like I had one last opportunity to prove myself as a good Pakistani wife. But I preferred to prove myself to Oliver instead of to my own husband. I cooked the best foods I could think of - always Pakistani. I talked with him about books and current events and updated him on my law school. I just wanted desperately for those ghosts from the past to acknowledge how wrong they were - how good I was, how good our life was, how good we were together. It's like after being put down so badly I needed to gain the approval of those who had wronged me, and Oliver was the only one I had access to.
After Oliver married, things slowed down. A little time and space helped me realize (at least I think I've realized) that I don't need to prove myself to anyone. We've been married eight years now almost, we have a beautiful boy and a house and a family that loves us. We can be content in that.
And I can try my best to stop scanning crowds whenever we stop near where Shane lives on our yearly trek back home for Thanksgiving.
When M found out, he immediately hopped on a plane and proposed. It was unexpected because we didn't talk about religion very much at all, as I've said before he was usually not a very good resource for religious questions I had. The only "our future plus religion as a stumbling block" conversation we'd ever had prior to that had focused on him asking a friend who he considered knowledgeable person on religious questions whether he could marry a Christian - getting the answer that he could marry a Christian if they really were a Christian and not just a lapsed Christian and M kind of trying to coax out of me whether I considered myself lapsed or what. Me becoming Muslim was never on the table as an option -converting wasn't expected and wasn't tied to a marriage proposal. So I was surprised that he proposed.
Apparently, M's closest friend Shane had a different understanding. Later, M would tell me about how he called Shane to break the news of our engagement. He called Shane and told him first that I had taken shahada and converted to Islam. He said that Shane immediately started laughing and didn't stop for awhile. Then he said "Well, I guess you guys are getting married then." M got angry about that and the conversation didn't last long.
Then several weeks went by with M calling Shane and his other friends, Mike and Oliver, and not really getting much back. His calls went mostly unanswered, his messages unreturned. Finally it was Thanksgiving, and M was to fly down and attend my family's Thanksgiving dinner and stay at Mike's house. The evening before Thanksgiving I was supposed to come over to Mike's house so M and I could go out for a movie. My mother even made strawberry shortcake - M's favorite - for me to take to all the guys.
When I got there, M was alone. No guys, no strawberry shortcake sharing. M was so angry he was red. They'd had an argument. M had asked what the heck was going on and Shane had tried to get out of talking about it but then there was a big long discussion about how I was no good, M could get a better girl to marry in Pakistan. You're in America, you have a Ph.D, Shane said, you can pick the best of the best in Pakistan. She's white trash - she even says so herself, Shane said, and she'll never go to law school, she's lying to you and she's just out to get your money. American girls, he said, were just for "playing" - not for marrying. Mike added nothing except that M should think about it some more, he was rushing into his decision to marry. Oliver said I could never be a good Muslim and he knew M wanted to live a good Muslim life, so he shouldn't marry me. M defended me, told them he was sure of his decision. Shane said he couldn't stand behind him, he felt guilty and responsible for the fact that M would soon marry me and later figure out what a bad decision it was because he was responsible for our meeting. He said he couldn't attend our wedding. M pressed him - you're my best friend, he said, I need you there - but Shane said he couldn't, he might not be able to control his tongue and he'd tell M's parents "the truth" about me.
M still hoped his friends would come to the wedding. Shane didn't. Mike and Oliver stood in as groomsmen. Eventually Mike stopped returning his calls too.
Ever since then, it's felt like the situation with Shane is still waiting for the other shoe to drop. A year later M got a phone call. Shane was saying he was sorry, he never should have butted in a said anything, but he was just trying to protect M from what he thought was a bad decision. He wouldn't do it again. I don't know what M said, but he told me it was over, he couldn't have Shane in his life. "You're my family," he said "I can't have anyone close to me that would say or even think those things about you."
Two year later he got an email, Shane was departing for Hajj and wanted to make amends before leaving. If there's anything I've done to wrong you, please forgive me. M replied - you're forgiven, have a blessed Hajj. Three years after that, six years after the blowup and our wedding, M signed onto Yahoo Messenger for just a second (he never uses that anymore, but all the other options weren't working well that morning) and who should send him an IM but Shane.
It was a crazy long IM conversation. Shane saying he's sorry, he was just trying to protect M, that's what a good friend would do. M saying a few things about being disappointed, and how Shane was wrong and how M needed support at a critical time and Shane not being there. Shane saying he said a lot of things he regretted . "I am sorry for what I said about [Gori Wife] before you two got married. I never said anything after you two were married. My intention were always right. I looked at you as a dear friend and I thought at the time that you were being taken advantage of by [Gori.] You were my friend not so I was being protective about you. I agree once you had made that decision I should have stood by you which I didn't. Other people around you didn't care what you did at the time but I did.I went too far with that and that was my mistake."
M saying hey, you're crossing a line by repeating those things again, and forgiving isn't the same as forgetting. Shane saying he wanted M to bring his family to his house for dinner, M saying that's crazy, we can't have a relationship, it's over and done. Shane saying M should just say so if he can't really forgive him, not say he's forgiven but then refuse to ever talk again. M saying he's has forgiven him, but doesn't want to be friends again. There's no path forward from here. The whole conversation was incredibly long and convoluted, and of course I saved every word of it. M and Shane both left it at we hope and pray for the best for you, and then it was done. There's been no contact since but I'm not positive there won't be in the future. I'm not even sure which ending I prefer sometimes.
I still scan the crowds whenever we're at a mosque in Florida, or at a shops near Shane's house. In some ways I'm really sad that M lost his best friend. For a very long time, and even still today, M was really damaged by that. As if he didn't want to be burned like that again so he wasn't going to put himself out there. He's pretty social, but he never brings anyone close into a real, true deep friendship. I had always assumed they'd get over it and one day Shane would come crash on our couch or something. For a long time I tried to get him to return Shane's calls. I didn't want to be the thing that stood in the way of them.
Then later, Oliver got a job at the same company M worked at. I used him like my one path of redemption. I pressured M to invite Oliver for dinner often. We had dinner together 3-4 times a week sometimes, and we always made him a big birthday dinner, three years in a row, even though his birthday was on Valentine's day. M would sometimes just want to come home and chill and have dinner and I'd insist he invite Oliver. It was like I had one last opportunity to prove myself as a good Pakistani wife. But I preferred to prove myself to Oliver instead of to my own husband. I cooked the best foods I could think of - always Pakistani. I talked with him about books and current events and updated him on my law school. I just wanted desperately for those ghosts from the past to acknowledge how wrong they were - how good I was, how good our life was, how good we were together. It's like after being put down so badly I needed to gain the approval of those who had wronged me, and Oliver was the only one I had access to.
After Oliver married, things slowed down. A little time and space helped me realize (at least I think I've realized) that I don't need to prove myself to anyone. We've been married eight years now almost, we have a beautiful boy and a house and a family that loves us. We can be content in that.
And I can try my best to stop scanning crowds whenever we stop near where Shane lives on our yearly trek back home for Thanksgiving.
15 comments:
Oh Gori wife, you're an inspiration. Inshallah, everything will work out for the best. But I'm glad you've made your peace with everything and wish you and your family the best for the future. Ameen.
Thank you so much for being so honest about this aspect of your life. I cannot imagine how hard it has been harboring those feelings. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone; only to God and God alone.
You don't need anyone to validate your self-worth, as long as YOU know your self-worth and M thinks you are a good wife and mother.
Forget Shane.
I've been married for 9 years now, and I married someone who was not my religion. I spent the last 8.5 yrs trying to prove all the naysayers wrong. now, like you, i realized i don't need to prove myself to anyone.
i'm just sad it took me this long to realize that, but better now than never. ultimately, we don't need anyone to validate us. as long as our loved ones know what and who we are, then who really cares about everyone else ? :-)
The parts that get my attention are: (1) where he tries to say that the two groups were "people who thought/acted like Shane did" and "people who didn't care what M did," and (2) where he seems to be saying that what he did wrong was "care too much"---which makes me think he isn't genuinely sorry and/or doesn't understand what he did wrong.
It also catches my attention that he thinks forgiveness means going back to the way things were as if nothing happened, and that then he uses that as a manipulative tool: if M doesn't let things go back, that means he's not REALLY forgiving Shane. Referee needs to call a foul on that one.
Hi Gori Wife,
I'm so sorry for what you went through. It must really hurt. Don't blame yourself - you did nothing wrong.
are you a "pakistani wife" or a "gori wife". confused by how you said you wanted to be a good "pakistani wife" you should always stay true to yourself. You are as God has created you. accept yourself for who you are, not something you have to pretend to be.
All through reading this I was so happy that you completed law school, because even though you were true to yourself and M all along, the 'friends' were finally able to see that they were in the wrong.
Shane fell for the bias that American women are money-grabbers and they are not as caring or thoughtful. Its something media loves to promote and no wonder it create such disillusionment. Perhaps I am wrong but I feel Shane made a youthful mistake and he certainly learned a lesson i.e. to not judge people so quickly.
Your husband is certainly a good man, there is no doubt about it. He made the right decision to not have Shane around, even though he has a change of heart.
In all this, I feel terrible for you. To have felt what you felt is certainly not normal and may lead to feelings of contempt. You have gone through so much in all this, I hope you stay strong.
I sincerely wish your family and you well.
I just like to add, you are not alone beta. I am Pakistani, I came to these shores in 1977 and I married a gori. One look and I knew she was the one. We lived through difficult times and many prejudices. She is no longer with me, cancer claimed her last year but I would do it all over again, a million times if someone asked. It was the best decision I ever made.
I hope you two get the best in life. May Allah protect you both.
This is what I hate about Pakistani men. In a way Shane was saying only what he has been programmed to say by his family (mother more specifically). They send their sons off to US or UK to study and work and send back money but with the promise to come back and marry a 'proper Pakistani girl'. Nothing against Pakistani girls, I am one myself. But its not really his fault. Most guys are even forced into engagements of nikahs before they're shipped off.
MashaAllah you are lucky you found M who had the sense to uphold the respect he has for you by marrying you,and also by cutting off contacts with this Shane guy. I don't think you need to prove anything to anybody. You know what you're doing right, and these people are no one to judge you over the color of your skin.
Whether or not you are a good muslim is for Allah to decide. Not the social circle.
Reading this post makes me hate the men from my own country!
Muslim men should not use any women, American or other and laughing when told someone has accepted Islam is not cool.
The response should have been Alhamdulliah.
May Allah (swt) send his blessings on your family Sister.
Islam is all about forgiving and forgetting. And it takes a LOT to approach someone and sincerely ask for forgiveness. Of course your husband should have respect for you. But if in his heart, M is not able to forgive his friend, who actually sought his forgiveness, then how is he being a good Muslim? Our prophet Muhammad forgave the men who tortured and killed his daughter. Who are we to judge and then keep the hatred in our hearts. I'm sorry to have a different view on this, but trust me sister...there are people in this world who WISH people cared enough to apologize for their wrong doings. Consider yourself very lucky.
Bismillah hir rahman nir rahim,
Dear Anonymous of DEC, 4 th,
I understand what you are saying that as Muslims we should be forgiving and non-judgmental, and take people at their word. I also agree that it does take a Big person to admit wrong-doing and to apologize.
But I do have to wonder if the apology from Shane was a sincere apology since he did say that he did not regret what he did and he would do what he did all over again.
Shane really should be more concerned about "using American women" than protecting his friend from an American Convert.
I do not believe that "M" has not forgiven his former friend. Only he knows what he feels for this person. We can not assume he has not forgiven him. He does not have to resume a friendship which may not be beneficial for all the parties involved.
I'm have a Desi Boyfriend and yes, we are having pre-marital sex, since he is divorced and I am a widow. He is a Hindu and I am culturally Jewish. It has been 1 1/2 yrs. and I have yet to meet his parents because of that whole situation. They want him to get an Indian wife when they go back every year to India and there's that whole pressure from his friends, who I've met. I mentioned to one that I can cook Gujarati meals and his friend said that one needs years to do that-only an Indian woman can really do that right. Then P. said excitedly, "She's a vegetarian!", to his friend. They seem to have the same kind of feelings about me. And the stores-I have the exact same experiences. I was engaged to an West African man years ago and never had so much animosity aimed at me. It's ridiculous. But I love him so…we'll see. I'm probably wasting my time, though. It's nuts.
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