As I mentioned, my father-in-law, Abbu, has visited America only once since my husband, M and I were married. And that was for our wedding, more than 7 years ago. I once wrote a post about his visits, and why I think he hasn't come back. Well, all that's about to change. I didn't want to jinx it by writing about it much beforehand, but he purchased a ticket.
But then he tried to back out of it. The government of Sindh, the province of Pakistan where Karachi is and where my in-laws live, was going to change their academic calendar at the very end of the year, with no notice. My father-in-law is a teacher and he didn't want to leave his students to a substitute teacher if the school year was going to be extended another month. Instead he wanted to shorten his trip to 20 days length. "M comes here for 20 days, I'm only staying there for 20 days - I have work too!" he said. The whole house was in turmoil for a week, but thankfully they changed their minds, didn't change the school schedule, and the fight died down. I still wasn't adding a plate to the dinner table just yet, though. I didn't know if he would really show up.
It seems now, though, that we've past the point of no return. Dulhan's brothers and sister have gone to M's family home in Karachi and helped Abbu pack up his luggage for America, they got him into their car, they drove him to the airport, helped him check in, and even had a friend of theirs who works in the airport escort him all the way to his gate. It seems like a done deal now. God willing, my father in law will arrive in America tomorrow evening.
Do you know that I have never - not once - cooked for my father-in-law? He's never, really, stepped foot in MY house. When he came before, I was a newlywed, moving into my husband's bachelor pad. Now he'll be in MY house, eating food I cooked. I feel a bit of pressure. They were even all telling me that he's a really picky eater! I think, though, that he might be picky or even critical of everyone else but I've never felt him to be critical of me, and neither has Dulhan. We think maybe he just gives his daughters-in-law a wide berth.
Here's what we're doing to prepare. I think the man needs a purpose. He works, he teaches, he does all the shopping. He needs to move around freely. We got him a bike. Actually, Dulhan really wanted a bike (even though she doesn't know how to ride a bike) so Chachoo bought her one. They picked a gender-neutral color so that when Abbu's here, he can use that bike. Dulhan's going to stop buying food. We have a local Pakistani owned butcher and spices shop and we're going to try asking Abbu to go to the store daily and buy the day's food needs. He can bike there are back in just a few minutes. He's also going to use his bike to go to the mosque as often as he likes, it's only 2 miles away from our house. We're also going to try having him conduct Urdu lessons with our son at regular timings.
At first he'll only stay here for four days, then we're going to take him to his daughter's - M's sister's house. She just recently had a new baby and that's mostly the occasion for his visit. My mother-in-law came back in March for the baby's birth, and now my father-in-law is joining her to visit the almost 3 month old. They also live near a mosque, within walking distance actually, but not really close enough to stores for him to go out. So we don't think he'll want to stay there more than 2 weeks, and then he'll come back here for a few more weeks and they'll return to Pakistan at the end of July.
Now, here's where I ask you for help. What other things can I do to ensure my active father-in-law stays happy during his visit to America. This is my one shot to prove to him that he could lead a happy, productive, active life here and not just be relegated to Urdu TV on the couch all week and following behind his son through the local Costco on weekends. (Though we did also purchase some Indo-Pak television service for their stay too!)
What else can we do to convince him besides Pakistani TV, a bike, and structured activities with the grandson. The only ground rules are that he can't work legally in the U.S., he's here on a visit visa only, and he doesn't drive (not even in Pakistan.)
Give me your best ideas! Please!
But then he tried to back out of it. The government of Sindh, the province of Pakistan where Karachi is and where my in-laws live, was going to change their academic calendar at the very end of the year, with no notice. My father-in-law is a teacher and he didn't want to leave his students to a substitute teacher if the school year was going to be extended another month. Instead he wanted to shorten his trip to 20 days length. "M comes here for 20 days, I'm only staying there for 20 days - I have work too!" he said. The whole house was in turmoil for a week, but thankfully they changed their minds, didn't change the school schedule, and the fight died down. I still wasn't adding a plate to the dinner table just yet, though. I didn't know if he would really show up.
It seems now, though, that we've past the point of no return. Dulhan's brothers and sister have gone to M's family home in Karachi and helped Abbu pack up his luggage for America, they got him into their car, they drove him to the airport, helped him check in, and even had a friend of theirs who works in the airport escort him all the way to his gate. It seems like a done deal now. God willing, my father in law will arrive in America tomorrow evening.
Do you know that I have never - not once - cooked for my father-in-law? He's never, really, stepped foot in MY house. When he came before, I was a newlywed, moving into my husband's bachelor pad. Now he'll be in MY house, eating food I cooked. I feel a bit of pressure. They were even all telling me that he's a really picky eater! I think, though, that he might be picky or even critical of everyone else but I've never felt him to be critical of me, and neither has Dulhan. We think maybe he just gives his daughters-in-law a wide berth.
Here's what we're doing to prepare. I think the man needs a purpose. He works, he teaches, he does all the shopping. He needs to move around freely. We got him a bike. Actually, Dulhan really wanted a bike (even though she doesn't know how to ride a bike) so Chachoo bought her one. They picked a gender-neutral color so that when Abbu's here, he can use that bike. Dulhan's going to stop buying food. We have a local Pakistani owned butcher and spices shop and we're going to try asking Abbu to go to the store daily and buy the day's food needs. He can bike there are back in just a few minutes. He's also going to use his bike to go to the mosque as often as he likes, it's only 2 miles away from our house. We're also going to try having him conduct Urdu lessons with our son at regular timings.
At first he'll only stay here for four days, then we're going to take him to his daughter's - M's sister's house. She just recently had a new baby and that's mostly the occasion for his visit. My mother-in-law came back in March for the baby's birth, and now my father-in-law is joining her to visit the almost 3 month old. They also live near a mosque, within walking distance actually, but not really close enough to stores for him to go out. So we don't think he'll want to stay there more than 2 weeks, and then he'll come back here for a few more weeks and they'll return to Pakistan at the end of July.
Now, here's where I ask you for help. What other things can I do to ensure my active father-in-law stays happy during his visit to America. This is my one shot to prove to him that he could lead a happy, productive, active life here and not just be relegated to Urdu TV on the couch all week and following behind his son through the local Costco on weekends. (Though we did also purchase some Indo-Pak television service for their stay too!)
What else can we do to convince him besides Pakistani TV, a bike, and structured activities with the grandson. The only ground rules are that he can't work legally in the U.S., he's here on a visit visa only, and he doesn't drive (not even in Pakistan.)
Give me your best ideas! Please!
15 comments:
Introduce him to Facebook! and BBCnews.com has a nice Urdu section too. My mom loves to read so I get her Urdu books from linkinlibrary.com. Hope they supply to your area library too
Are there any community activities at the local mosque? Such as becoming involved with fundraising/organizing activities for the community?
youre fil sounds so much like mine... we had a little tiff about him coming to visit us next year with my mil and sil... will see ;) insha'Allah he arrives safely :D
anything need fixed around the house? museums. does he like to cook or try new foods? go to the movies. board games or cards at the local old people home. take your son swimming. bingo anyone? flea market! plant some flowers in your yard. cooking class. tai chi or yoga. or...you could just ask him what he wants to do.:)
My FIL is like that for bahus also. If my SIL's cook and it turns out odd he'll say something, but for the elder bahu and I, not a peep.
I really think the mosque is a good start. At the one we used to go to in Florida they rotated who led some of the prayers, there was an imam, but usually they would have another man for Asr and at least one other prayer during the day.
I would buy a patch and repair kit for the bike and a new tire/inner tube as well. Let him know where it is in case something happens while he's doing all that bike riding. Maybe have a little basket or holder where he can put things on the bike if he needs to.
Also, get him a local map. That way he can look around for things he may want to ride the bike to.
I'm going to have to keep an eye on these comments. My soon-to-be father in law is also quite active, and I think he gets bored to death when he is in the US for too long and isolated from all the activity of home. We have a park nearby where he can walk, and we have small shops nearby. I wish he could be active in a mosque-like community, but the Hindu temples are far, and he isn't the kind of person to worship everyday. I think he will be with us for three months. So I'm happy to take suggestions too!
I think the most important thing is to create/help him create a daily routine because it's a lack of routine and lack of idea about what will happen any given day that leads to boredom. So it's great that he can do some shopping, visit the mosque, teach your son, etc. However small, plan 1 interesting thing for him to do every day or so. Also teach him about the significance of places he visits because it seems leisure and learning go hand-in-hand for your FIL. All the best!
What is the public transportation situation like where you live? I get the impression you're near a major city, so perhaps he could bike to a metro/subway stop and ride downtown to explore museums and the like. The public library may also have programs he can participate in. Do you have family photos he can organize? My fil spends hours scanning and tweaking photos from his parents' and in laws' albums. Or perhaps he can start a website about local Pakistani or Urdi language activities etc -- something that will get him out and exploring on his own.
Good luck, and I hope the visit is fantastic for everyone!
Urdu-language, I mean. Sorry for the typo.
Or.. since he's a teacher, maybe he can volunteer for some tutoring at the mosque.. if kids need help in his subject-area - assuming there are enough kids in the mosque-community and they aren't excellent students already =D
I wud suggest one of you guys ask on his behalf, beforehand.
My in-laws are currently visiting from Pakistan and they don't seem to be bored alhamdulillah! My daughter (3 yr old) is typically in daycare but is staying at home enjoying with them right now. Papa (my FIL) takes her to the store everyday (after breakfast and after she dresses up) and buys her a toy. Then they come back home and play with the new toy and watch videos and take pictures and make movies. We have all types of stores really close to home so he also volunteers to go get whatever is needed in terms of groceries and whatnot.
Good timing on your post. My FIL is visiting with us right now too. And this is my first time meeting him. He wants to keep busy all the time too.
You and your blog are thoroughly interesting and just plain honest and from the heart...
my two cents on FIL visit...i think what he would like the most is your involvement with him.and spending time with him and giving him time, attention..listening to his stories..laughing at his jokes..asking him talk about this or that..activities etc are good but not the real deal..universally, older people want to sit with you, talk to you, they want company..they dont want to feel like they are being a burden..so they need your cheerful, willing company..be it on the couch, during walks, bike rides etc...so give him as much time as u can without showing signs of fatigue or annoyance..that would make him happy..i think.
New to your blog and read through old archives. I was so fascinated this particular one but you never gave details of how was his stay with you guys and what did you end up doing? did he enjoy his stay or not? My parents in law visit every year for 2 months, i have 2 kids one just started school and other will go next year. Till now kids provided the entertainment but i don't know how things will be once i'll be home alone and kids in school. please do share how you kept your FIL busy and if he enjoyed it too.
Post a Comment