You know how common it is to hear someone say - maybe jokingly, maybe not - that President Obama's a secret Muslim? Well, let me tell you, I feel like a secret Muslim a lot of the time.
As I've mentioned before, I'm just not always that comfortable talking about religion. Not always, though. Genuine interest, respectful and intelligent questions, from kind & caring people - those I can deal with, even welcome! But in this day & age in America, it can be a difficult topic to bring up, and it seems to me that not many people fall into those categories of genuinely interested, respectful, kind or intelligent. So more often than not, I just, well...don't.
I don't bring it up at work. Even two years post graduation from law school, I haven't been able to start my career. I'm stuck working short-term temp jobs. It doesn't seem worth the hassle to me to sit down with a disinterested project manager, especially when he or she might be managing a team of 200 unruly underemployed attorneys, some of whom are composing blog posts instead of working (not me!) and negotiate that area where religion meets work. It's easier for me to stake out a quite spot under the stairs, go back out to my car, or find some other out-of-the-way place to make my daily prayers. (I have talked about religion and being a Muslim with coworkers, though.)
It's the same at gatherings of friends. Whenever I'm attending a gathering of non-Muslims in the evening, I always say I've left my phone in my car, or have to go get something, so I can spend a few minutes performing the evening prayer. Actually, even in groups of our Muslim friends I generally try to find someplace out of sight of the others to make prayers, just because I feel like eyes are boring holes through my skin otherwise, as if I'll never pray flawlessly enough to pass muster, or maybe just like I don't want to feel on display like a circus act. And these are kind, lovely, accepting people we're talking about. To be sure, these are MY own issues I'm projecting OUT, I'm sure of it.
In fact, even when I go visit my own parents, I am still a secret Muslim. Actually, I just realized I'm like this in my own house with my inlaws, too. Most of the time I say "I'm just going upstairs for a minute" usually, instead of saying I have to pray. Or I combine Zuhr with putting the kid down for a nap. Also, when visiting my parents, they live far away and we generally don't stay for long, so I usually am making shorter, sometimes combined Qasr prayers. I have prayer in front of them, but I avoid it if possible. I avoid praying in front of my inlaws, too.
But I wonder if that doesn't give the wrong impression? As if maybe I'm not praying, or not serious about my religion. Maybe I'm giving off that impression to my Muslim and non-Muslim friends and coworkers and bosses too. By not speaking openly about it, maybe it only helps make me look like the stereotype of a woman who converted in name only for her husband's comfort, but who doesn't actually live the tenets of her faith. That's not the case, but it seems like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't know how to navigate this space of being part of a minority, one that's perfectly socially acceptable to discriminate against these days, without just retreating and making it a personal matter instead. And that doesn't feel right either.
As I've mentioned before, I'm just not always that comfortable talking about religion. Not always, though. Genuine interest, respectful and intelligent questions, from kind & caring people - those I can deal with, even welcome! But in this day & age in America, it can be a difficult topic to bring up, and it seems to me that not many people fall into those categories of genuinely interested, respectful, kind or intelligent. So more often than not, I just, well...don't.
I don't bring it up at work. Even two years post graduation from law school, I haven't been able to start my career. I'm stuck working short-term temp jobs. It doesn't seem worth the hassle to me to sit down with a disinterested project manager, especially when he or she might be managing a team of 200 unruly underemployed attorneys, some of whom are composing blog posts instead of working (not me!) and negotiate that area where religion meets work. It's easier for me to stake out a quite spot under the stairs, go back out to my car, or find some other out-of-the-way place to make my daily prayers. (I have talked about religion and being a Muslim with coworkers, though.)
It's the same at gatherings of friends. Whenever I'm attending a gathering of non-Muslims in the evening, I always say I've left my phone in my car, or have to go get something, so I can spend a few minutes performing the evening prayer. Actually, even in groups of our Muslim friends I generally try to find someplace out of sight of the others to make prayers, just because I feel like eyes are boring holes through my skin otherwise, as if I'll never pray flawlessly enough to pass muster, or maybe just like I don't want to feel on display like a circus act. And these are kind, lovely, accepting people we're talking about. To be sure, these are MY own issues I'm projecting OUT, I'm sure of it.
In fact, even when I go visit my own parents, I am still a secret Muslim. Actually, I just realized I'm like this in my own house with my inlaws, too. Most of the time I say "I'm just going upstairs for a minute" usually, instead of saying I have to pray. Or I combine Zuhr with putting the kid down for a nap. Also, when visiting my parents, they live far away and we generally don't stay for long, so I usually am making shorter, sometimes combined Qasr prayers. I have prayer in front of them, but I avoid it if possible. I avoid praying in front of my inlaws, too.
But I wonder if that doesn't give the wrong impression? As if maybe I'm not praying, or not serious about my religion. Maybe I'm giving off that impression to my Muslim and non-Muslim friends and coworkers and bosses too. By not speaking openly about it, maybe it only helps make me look like the stereotype of a woman who converted in name only for her husband's comfort, but who doesn't actually live the tenets of her faith. That's not the case, but it seems like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. I don't know how to navigate this space of being part of a minority, one that's perfectly socially acceptable to discriminate against these days, without just retreating and making it a personal matter instead. And that doesn't feel right either.
25 comments:
thanks for sharing your thoughts. I'm very much in your boat. Does it make me a bad Muslim because I don't want to announce it to everybody? My husband questions me saying most converts go crazy and go overboard enthusiastically. Maybe someday i will but I'm a private person. I didn't even wear a cross when I was Catholic. I don't have any answers for you or deep sage advice. I just wanted to tell you that there is another person just like you :)
Again, thanks for sharing.
I'm remembering the part of the Bible where people get rebuked for praying loudly and publicly. People also get rebuked for giving publicly to charity. And then there's a concluding do-this-instead verse; I can't quite remember it, but the gist must be "DON'T pray loudly and publicly."
Okay, I had to go look up the verse. It's Matthew 6:6: "But when you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will reward you."
So, by going off in private and not saying what you're doing, you're doing it exactly right.
I have a similar problem. I really prefer to go and pray in my room especially when we have guests over. I always feel like a zoo exhibit, even though people are mostly just curious to see an American Muslim it still feels weird to get stared at.
There is nothing wrong with being private about your faith. As Muslim women we are expected to carry the banner visually of course by sporting our uniform - and I know at least my husband thinks come prayer time one should shout ALLAHU AKBAR and drop to it - even if standing in the middle of wal-mart. Me - not so much. Other faiths, for the most part aren't screaming 'hey look at me' why should I? I don't wear the uniform, other than being uber modest and pray in private (wouldn't want some random male checking out my booty, no?), and I speak english - peace be with you. With all the negative attitudes towards Muslims these days, coupled with the fact I am not even tied to the community at all like many convert women - I prefer low key.
Our closest friends, well more like family, are all Muslims. We celebrate with them often in the name of Allah. They all prefer praying in the quiet and comfort of their own rooms. Are there times when there are get togethers and some of the women or men do not mind praying in the open, of course! But then there are also others that prefer to go upstairs to be alone. I do not think you preferring praying privately is meaning you are ashamed or hiding. I think as long as you live in the ways Allah has laid out for you to live, then having prayer times privately and intimately is fine and more of a preference.
If your preference changes and you will pray in the middle of a crowded room then that's fine as well. I think that whatever works for you and makes you comfortable is what works best... but you shouldn't feel that you are hiding and being secretive. :)
We also have the hadeeth "Of those God will shade in His shade on the day when there is no shade except His shade... the person who gave something in charity secretly such that the left hand did not know what the right hand had given..." As in don't be ostentatious in charity--- and one could extend that to good deeds, acts of worship, and so on. We should only show off these acts when displaying them is an encouragement to others.
I wear hijab specifically as a sign of my faith. I don't wear it because I think the public sight of my hair (or arms or legs) will lead me to hell or lead men to lust. Actually, I am very disgusted by such thinking. I do believe that hijab is an extra step in modesty, and God loves modesty in dress, and behavior, and even in display of giving charity, right? But often hijab isn't better or worse than modest clothes without hijab. Anyway, hijab is my choice and I believe I should do it, but I don't have the option to hide my Islam. So I never have this issue.
Also, outside of the context of the mosque, I prefer to pray in private and don't announce that I am going to pray. I do wish more women would do jamaat prayers when socializing together, but I mean like at the mall or somewhere. At a gathering, I might ask others if they would like to pray in jamaat, as communal prayer is always a good thing.
It's a tricky balance. On the one hand I can see how you don't want to be pretentious and pray for show, but on the other hand it seems like the more people are open and honest about doing prayers, the more acceptable and normal it will become to American eyes.
Perhaps there is a balance of saying "I'm just going to pop out for a moment for a prayer" in the same tone as saying you're going to get something out of the car?
If you act like it's no big deal, I think everyone in your life will get used to it quickly.
If you want to make a statement, political or otherwise, then pray in front of others. If you want people to know you're devout, then quietly excuse yourself for a moment of prayer. If you want to keep your comfort, then do what you do and don't worry about others. imho
I can really relate to your feelings on keeping it private from a personal perspective. I just don't feel the need to put up a display because Allah sees it and that is enough.
But I have to agree with Aamba that you shouldn't feel compelled to hide incase people discriminate against you; there will always be ohers that supoort you and after a point no one will even notice. I was always very quiet about fasting at school, at first I got tons of questions and after a while people became really respectful and wouldn't even eat in front of me!
I'm not Muslim, I'm Hindu but I too can relate to you. First off I want to say that what you are doing is not wrong. Prayer is very personal between you and God and doesn't need an audience.
Families and friends only complicate things if they don't understand or feel the same way. Religion is too much like politics. Everyone thinks their way is the only way. They can't see past their own two feet and realize the world is a big place. No two ppl believe or worship the same, even if they are the same religion.
Keep your prayer in secret. People should respect, at the very least, your drive and commitment to stick to your beliefs. They may not, but that hurts them more than you because they are the ones who will lose sleep worrying themselves over it. You on the other hand, will be fine, and obviously happy.
It can send out wrong vibes. But you know what. I'm sure that if you mean whatever you communicate with God (prayers and all), then it's all worth it and none of your efforts (secret or otherwise) go in vain.
So Insha Allah you are definitely NOT a bad Muslimah :):)
I found nothing wrong with your approach, perhaps because I believe that religion and GOD is one's personal experience, I too am a private person when it comes to my religious beliefs (I'm hindu). So don't bother much about what people might think and say, you can't control it anyway, they'll say what they wanna say, but if you feel that there's something missing by not sharing your religion with others, than maybe you need to rethink your approach.
ha. I just remembered one other thing. When you're slipping out to your car, or making random excuses for a moment to pray, your co-workers could really get the wrong idea...they could think you were sneaking away to get your fix of some drug! I mean, if no one has any reason to think or know that you're muslim...that might be a random conclusion they could come to. But seriously, I don't think anyone would suspect YOU of doing drugs, or dislike you or discriminate against you, in particular, for being muslim. You're a nice person, a good person, and I think that trumps whatever religious beliefs you have.
Hi, I've been lurking for a while but just felt the need to comment on this one for some reason. I am a non-muslim who has worked for a muslim before. He is an Imam, but also, an alternative doctor. Most, if not all of his patients were/are non-muslim, and I can't stress to you how much it doesn't phase us non-muslims when you say that you're going to pray. Doc would be in the midst of a treatment, and bow out saying "I have to do my prayers quickly, I'll be back."
His friends would come in, male and female, and they too would take a moment to pray, if it happened to be prayer time. Never once in the entire time I worked for him did I notice anyone raise an eyebrow, to the notion of them stating they're going to pray. I understand that you feel that everyone's eyes are on you, but in all truthfulness it's not that way. Put your insecurities aside, stop going to get your "phone," and embrace the HUMAN that you are, religion or not. It's okay. We won't stare, I promise... unless of course you have spinach in your teeth, or something, then all bets are off.
I'm faitless(and have a pak boyfriend and he is a muslim) but i do respect people who have a religion.
If someone tells me i have to do my prayers i dont even think about it, it is just part of someones life.
But if i drive on the highway and i see someone doing their prayers on some little strip of grass inbetween 2 lanes, i do raise my eyebrows,cos it is very dangerous to do them there, people behind the wheel of their car and r going to be distracted and that persons praying time is not in regard of safty of people around, also his own..true story btw.
But if u can say i am going to pray for a bit, people may think what they want, it's not like u are asking them to join u.
Not like some catholics who pray before their meal and because u sit at their table they expect u to join them ;-)
Love ur blog btw
You know, in today's world where everyone's seems to be an 'expert' on religion or wants to get in useless, lengthy 'discussions' about religion, it happens to everyone of us, no matter which religion we belonged to or whenever we live.
Living in Pakistan, I also prefer to pray in private because I do the 'Rafa Yadain' while praying which isn't common in our majority Sunni country and is considered a Wahabi/Ahle Hadees practice. So people would start bugging me the moment I would finish my prayers about why I do this and they would love to go into comparison of different Hadith about this practice. I consider myself a Sunni, but started practicing this when I read it in Bukhari, that's it!! No big religious transformation behind this! But I have grown tired of explaining myself to people so now I just prefer to offer my prayers in private!
Same here. I'm Pakistani and muslim by birth. But I still prefer to pray in my room 'away from the eyes of onlookers' because I feel its private, my time with God. Even when it's just my husband at home.
I think that being discreet in your religious beliefs and actions is alright but you don't have to deliberately hide the fact that you're a practicing Muslim. If you need to explain to people where you're going and if the primary reason for your 'going' is to pray then just causally make it known to them.
But work and family/friends is different.
For example, my supervisor knows I'm a Muslim because I wear the hijab but we've never discussed me being a Muslim, or the fact that I often take a break to pray, because my desk is in another building. And during long meetings, there is almost always a break time and there's no need to tell everyone where I'm going.
I'm glad you have lots of support in these comments :) Allah tells us (I'm not sure if it's quran or hadith) it is better women pray in the corner of their room. And ALLAH knows best, this is not because we are oppressed.
And what about the hipocrates who shout from the mountain tops that they are high in Iman (faith),but behind closed doors they do not pray, give charity or preform any worship! SubhanaAllah! I pray to be more like you, so determined to pray, I sneek out to my car, instead of just missing the prayer! Good for You! May Allah reward you for your steadfastness and lead you on the righteous path. Ameen.
-K Malik
www.dig4knowledge.blogspot.com
Do you know of any blog that is about a desi brown woman in a relationship with a white man? =D i really need to find one cause thats me!!
I don't know that I would call myself a "secret Muslim," but I definitely don't shout it from the rooftops.
When I first converted to Islam, when I first met someone new (desi), they'd often ask me what drew me to Islam and why I decided to convert. Sometimes the question found its way into the conversation naturally (and didn't feel awkward); other times, they'd ask it really out of the blue. At those times when it came out of the blue, I'd feel a bit like a "show piece"...like meeting a white American convert was just a checkbox for them (so they could say they knew someone).
I don't get asked that question as often these days, and even if I did, I'm not sure I would answer so freely anymore (even to another desi) because I really feel that religion is a private matter and means something different for everyone.
Meliha
Hmmm....Must feel good to let out here, right??
It's definitely not wrong whatever you are doing....God is going to see and hear you if you pray privately or in public...
Intriguing post, must say...
I know you posted this a while ago, but I just read it and really liked it. It seems like a lot of people from different faiths have commented that they can share your feelings. I know I can, too. As a Christian, I obviously don't have to put up with the same level of hostility or ignorance that American Muslims do -- but I still face the issue of, 'do I want to get into this?' when religion comes up. The circle of people I tend to work/study/associate with mostly tends to see religion of any type - and esp. Christianity - as some marker of stupidity or closemindedness. So I don't often bring up that I go to church, believe in God, etc. and I've even found myself stopping wearing the cross I always used to wear. Part of me feels pretty guilty about this because I think, "If the only Christians these people know are obnoxious, close-minded ones, and I don't let them know that I'm a Christian, then I'm helping to perpetuate their stereotypes." But I also frankly, like you said, don't want to get into discussions about religion with random people. Especially those who aren't really looking for a "discussion" so much as a sounding board for their own thoughts. I think it's quite enlightening to see that this is an issue that crosses religious lines and that we all struggle with, to some extent.
Funny I was born muslim but I prefer to pray privately. I feel that group prayer often becomes a show and defeats the purpose of prayer which is quiet reflection. Your post is inspirational in terms of how you make an effort to pray:)
I'm the opposite of you, secret non-muslim :-) actually private religious person....
I'm not a muslim ( never was) married ot a muslim, most of whose friends think i converted, since he couldn't marry me otherwise . both of us don't really care and although he is a believing praying muslim, he doesn't really think his going to heaven or not has anything to do with his wife :-)
ah well religion is a minefield at best .. so i just leave it private.
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