There's an aspect of traditional Pakistani matrimony where the bride is supposed to go live with her husband - and her husband's parents - in their home. In some Bollywood films, there are even scenes about how the bride is no longer a part of the family she grew up in, she "belongs" to her in-laws now. (::Cringe::) The bride's parents shouldn't even spend too much time visiting her in her "new" home, or they can't eat there or even drink some water while visiting her. I've seen one black & white movie scene with a crying father bemoaning how he couldn't even have a bite of an apple in his daughter's new home. I think - though of course I'm no expert here - this has to do with the groom in traditional Indo-Pak weddings having such a big upper hand in the wedding negotiations and being given respect-slash-deference because of that. You don't want to piss off your daughter's husband or her in-laws, because they might not treat your daughter well. Similarly, you don't want to be a burden on them by eating/drinking too much (at all???) in their home, because your daughter might have to suffer the consequences, perhaps her MIL will complain or expect her to do all the cooking/washing up after your arduous visit.
A majority of this stuff has gone by the wayside over time. I mean, the underpinnings can still be there depending on the family, in my experience often relative to class/wealth/socioeconomic status. So unwealthy families might still abide by some of these things - perhaps a bride would provide some larger scale jahaiz (dowry) or expect to live in her in-laws home after marriage. I think these two, at least, are still fairly common among middle class families in Pakistan and even some of the so-called upper-class families. But I've never heard of or seen anyone refusing food or drink while visiting. One of my SILs does consider the in-law's home "her home", but the other one doesn't. When she goes back to Pakistan to visit, she stays almost exclusively at her own parent's house.
All of this background to explain that when the bride's family came to our home to prepare her room for her, they were preparing it because it was to be her new home. She needed all of her things there, clothes, makeup, beauty items, shoes, anything one might want in their home. Even more so because, as a new bride, she's to be dressed to the nines all the time, bejeweled and made up like a princess and carted around to meet & greet all her new family members and neighbors at various dinner parties & evening chai sessions.
But OH. MY. goodness! These women - the bride's sister and cousin - covered every single horizontal surface in beauty products. The large armoire - meant for the new couple to share, presumably - was stacked full and barely closable because of the number of brand-spanking-new outfits for the bride crammed in there. Every drawer was full of jewelry, shoes boxes stacked high above the armoire and under the bed. Which they'd also brought sheets, blankets and pillows for. It took them hours to arrange everything just right.
I actually think this is really sweet. I imagine that after getting married and moving into a new house with almost-strangers, it would be very comforting to see your sister's little touches around your new home, all your favorite things laid out just the way you like them.
But I was upset about the toothbrush.
I had brought my soon-to-be-new sister-in-law a toothbrush all the way from America. I remembered that when we'd gone to Pakistan for the older brother's wedding in 2007, my MIL had equipped her bathroom with some toothpaste and a new toothbrush. She's wanted to use a toothbrush brought from America, but all she had in her imports-cabinet was the big Costco package of 10 toothbrushes. That meant the SIL got a toothbrush that, while new and unused, was not in any packaging. I had wanted to make sure that wouldn't happen this time, both for my MIL (who was adamant about wanting to provide an imported toothbrush) and for the SIL (because I'd prefer to be given a still-packaged toothbrush myself in that situation.) So weeks before our trip I'd bought the Costco pack AND one, single, solitary toothbrush just for the SIL. I even argued with Mian about whether this was really necessary. And I was made fun of a bit when we arrived in Pakistan and unpacked in front of everyone. But I was undeterred. I'd messed up with the 1st wedding, but this time I wanted my performance as eldest sister-in-law as unflawed as possible.
You may have already guessed, but the bride's sister brought her a toothbrush as well. I was inexplicably sad about this. That stupid toothbrush had been like my olive branch - the symbol of how I'd wanted to fulfill this role of good daughter-in-law for my MIL, making sure that we as a family were well represented by the way we provided for our newest member (yes, even by toothbrushes, as stupid as it sounds.) It was the one way I'd actively planned to fill the role of good sister-in-law to this new member of the family, my new sister-in-law.
Maybe it doesn't make much sense, or maybe I can't explain it very well, but I just worry sometimes that these people miss out because of our intercultural marriage. My MIL doesn't have the daughter-in-law she expected, yeah, of course, we all know that. My sister-in-law also doesn't have the SIL she expected. My brother-in-law never expected he'd be living in the same house as some white American girl. My very presence in their lives means the absence of something else. It's not that I feel inadequate, it's different than that. And of course, not everyone gets what they expect in life, nor should they necessarily be entitled to. I just feel like yes, we all have to make compromises, but there are some ways I can meet them in the middle just like they meet me in the middle. I can try and find out what important parts of that absence might be easy for me to fulfill. One easy way to fill the absence of good Pakistani older sister-in-law is providing a stupid toothbrush.
Oh, gosh, I don't know why I just got all Freudian about a stupid toothbrush. But truthfully, my heart fell a bit when I saw their toothbrush. As dumb as it surely sounds.
The bride's sister & cousin, shortly after arriving and having already stuff the armoire full of clothes. Those two suitcases beside the armoire would soon be unloaded into that small room as well. The small suitcase is just makeup! Tea & Cookies were brought for our visitors, of course (on the bed.)
