So You're Throwing a Half-Brown, Half-White Dinner Party!

You've come to the right place!

You all remember the party? The one to celebrate my graduation? The one where the brown side of my family (my husband's relatives) and the white side of my family (my relatives) were to meet for the first time ever? Well, it was last weekend. And we all survived.

My family started arriving more than a week in advance. Mostly to help me through the last final exam push, but also to clean my house and help prepare for the party. It was a 70+ guest list and it was supposed to include tables and chairs for everyone, a buffet-style dinner served by waiters, and mingling throughout the house. My parents, grandparents and uncle stayed with my most of the week. 

As for the brown people, the only Pakistani relatives that live in America and three of M's cousins and their families and M's sister. We have a decent sized group of Pakistani friends, too, falling into two different camps, M's school friends who have followed him post-graduation to work at the same company and a few couples we've met at the Mosque. 

Here were a few of my worries: how would I bridge this divide? Would the white & brown people talk to each other? What would they say? Do they have anything in common? Will either side be offended by something the other side did or said? 

One interesting worry I discussed with M was something we both shared. We both thought that each side of the family would think "Wow, he/she acts a lot different in front of that side of the family!" 

I thought that my family might think I act weird around M's family - perhaps more reserved? I didn't want them to think of me as stifled, and I thought they might get nervous about certain things like serving tea to the elder males first, or being patted on the head by elders. I was also worried that M's family would think I was VERY different in front of my own family - for one thing I was wearing a dress that showed the bottom half of my calves! Scandalous! Although I had worn capri-ish pants in front of them before, I was still nervous about that one. I'm also from a loud, often-laughing, joking, boisterous family. I think I show some of that in front of M's family, but I worried it would be shocking nonetheless. I figured that my family would see me as being oppressed by the Pakistanis and M's side would see me as finally showing my wild American-ness.

Unfortunately, not all of these worries were unfounded. There was a not a colorblind convergence of peace and love on my front lawn. There was a lot of self-segregation. I saw a lot of chasing - at first the brown people were downstairs, but when my parents went downstairs, they left and went outside. I know that my parents and grandparents felt like that was rude. They did say that everyone tried to be polite and friendly during the introductions, and made a point to say goodbyes, but not a lot of pleasantries in between. 

There were a couple of Pakistanis who did make significant bridges with my family, though. M's sister's husband charmed a lot of my family - he's the kind of guy who brings home white office-mates for dinner and really likes to befriend the converts in the Mosque, so he's more comfortable talking to Americans. The couples we've met at the Mosque are also second-generation, so they are Americans themselves, without accents or any impediment. My grandmother especially liked talking to the wives and told them all how beautiful they were. (Although she did call one woman's scarf a 'turban' and remarked to another about her lack of accent even though she'd already said she was born and raised in America.)

One of the problems was that it rained, so all the guests had to squeeze into my not-very-large house. Perhaps if people had a little more breathing room they would have been able to approach the other culture at their leisure. Another problem was that there were several older members of M's family who don't speak English AT ALL, and not enough people acted as good translators. At one point I heard my mother describing the three cake options to a Pakistani friend of M's. M's aunt was also there and she asked the friend to translate for the aunt but he just smiled and nodded and walked away. I'm not sure if he had a momentary English lapse himself or just didn't want to do it, or figured that "Chocolate with Peanut Butter frosting" was self-explanatory, but he didn't translate and a nice little exchange between M's aunt and my mother didn't occur. (Of course now that I type that I wonder why didn't *I* step in and translate?) 

I think that overall everything was nice. There were too many people in my little house and some things were uncomfortable, but what meeting of the in-laws isn't, even in the same culture? And now both sides know each other a little better and know me better, too. It seems whenever you throw a big party, though, you never get to spend more that 5 minutes with each of your guests!

Now if you'll be patient, I'll go cut the heads off some pictures!

What Do I Need From Pakistan?

Quick, everyone!

What do I need from Pakistan? Here's my preliminary list:

Books of mehndi designs and cones

Shalwar kameez and kurtas for the baby

A old-man style navy blue waistcoat for the baby to wear on Eid

Ammi's homemade Same ka Achaar

Urdu books for the baby

Urdu books for adults to read, too

There is a lot of stuff I'm forgetting. My memory isn't very good under pressure! When you have someone coming to visit it means you get at least a suitcase full of stuff, but I can't remember what I'd like to have! I mean, if I'm walking through the streets shopping in the bazaars, that's a different story; I can fill up a suitcase in a matter of minutes!

So, gimme some ideas, what should I ask for? Because get this - I don't know how this happened - but somehow *I* suggested that my MIL should come visit, and she's already purchased a plane ticket. Touchdown in three weeks. 

At least YOU all will get plenty of stories to read, I guess...

Exhausted.

I'm here! I'm still alive! 

Still recuperating from the big party last weekend. Everything was mostly okay during said party. Survivable, at least. Can't even write in complete sentences yet. Will be back to regale you with my tales soon. Until then, some highlights from the party:

The unstoppable rain, forcing all 60 guests inside tiny house for an evening of self-segregated fun. Also, wasting the hundreds of dollars on renting tables and chairs.

My grandmother, calling an Indian Muslim friend's hijab a "turban,"

My grandfather, calling the food "chicken ticket maRsala"

My mother asking a friend of M's (one of them) to translate the cake choices for M's aunt (who doesn't speak English.) Apparently the friend doesn't speak English either, because he smiled and nodded and walked away.

Me, wearing a dress that showed my calves in front of the Pakistani in-laws for the first time ever. Still waiting to hear back about that one...

Will be back tomorrow. Promise.

Help For The Anti-Taliban Pakistanis

Zack at Procrastination has done a lot of work compiling information about ways to help Pakistanis who have been displaced from their homes in the northern areas of Pakistan in so much turmoil lately. What a wonderful cause to support!

A Pakistani Mother's Day?

A lot of Pakistanis don't think Mother's Day should be celebrated. Some of the arguments I hear against Mother's Day include "you should show your mother love every day," "it's too American and 'we' shouldn't be trying to be American," "it's only a commercial thing to get you to buy more candy and greeting cards," and "Muslims shouldn't be celebrating ANY holidays except the two Eids."

I have no problem celebrating holidays. I don't think by saying Happy Birthday or eating cake or reflecting on how happy I am to celebrate another year of marriage on a particular day is irreligious. I think it's natural to think "Wow, two and a half years ago today my son was born" and I don't think anything that natural can be wrong. I don't think it distracts me from being a good, moral person. It's not like I go crazy and decide to serve pork chops and beer at a birthday party, right?! I don't spend all day party planning and skip my prayers. And I don't think it means I'm elevating humans to the level of God because I'm celebrating a person's birthday. I think it's no different that saying "Wow, look at that sunset - God is great!" It's just like celebrating any of God's creations of earth.

And that "Everyday should be like Mother's Day" is generally a load of phooey, if you ask me. Is it? Is every day like Mother's day for your wife and/or mother, I ask you? In my experience, the same people spouting that nonsense are the ones whose wives feel they "should" cook a new, "fresh" meal every day for both lunch and dinner and who've never made their own mothers a cup of tea. One guy I know who says this has also once - during a different conversation - bragged about never taking his own dishes from the table to the kitchen sink. Tell me how that kind of guy is doing a good job of making sure his wife & mother feel loved every day? 

Yes, I think it's a very nice thing to celebrate all the work wives and mothers do, and I especially like it when that celebration takes the form of a nice gift, a sweet gesture, or some kind of relaxation or relieving of normal duties. It doesn't have to be too commercialized, I think, and I think it's probably a very rewardable for of sadaqa, or charity. Afterall, those who don't thank people don't thank God. Spend the day thanking your wife & mother, how can thank be a bad thing?!

M used to spout this kind of talk too. He was pretty anti-Mother's Day even before we were married. A few years later, when I was expecting our first child, we talked about how it would be nice for him to help facilitate Mother's Day celebrations once our children were old enough, be it by funding gift acquisitions or helping prepare breakfasts or the like. I didn't expect much, and I didn't expect anything to begin until after our children started attending school and making those first grade Mother's Day cards, anyway. I thought at that point they'd ask M to help them do something, and I would finally get my Mother's Day.

I wasn't too upset about missing out on Mother's Day up until then, though. At least I didn't think I was. There have been a lot of compromises in our commingled life together, just as there is in any kind of marriage. I figured this wasn't something I was going to be able to make any difference in until our American-born kids were able to do it themselves, and at least then I would get to celebrate Mother's Day. You don't always realize how important things are when you decide it's okay to give them up, though. Maybe I would have been very sad not to be able to experience some cultural celebration I grew up with myself. Listening to kids pattering feet in the kitchen while you "sleep in," all the while hearing bowls crash to the floor, wondering what you'll be served for breakfast? Having to chew rubbery eggs with a smile? Wearing some terrible perfume that your kids hand-picked for you. These are the things to cherish in life, the things you remember forever.

My wonderful M, though, didn't miss a beat. Turns out not everything in my life is a compromise. Even before there were any babies around, when I was only three months pregnant I woke up one May Sunday morning to an already-dressed M holding a tray of breakfast, a wrapped gift, and a greeting card. The card had a very sweet, touching message (he's always been good at those); the gift was an expensive perfume I sprayed on myself every time I went to the department store but never even thought to buy for myself, and the breakfast was....well, everything can't be perfect, right?

(The breakfast was probably some egg & paratha thing, which was what we normally ate on the weekends back then, but I do remember that he'd also bought a 1/4 of a coconut cream pie. I don't know why he thought that was acceptable breakfast food, but I think he's since learned better. He said he'd read in his Preparing-For-Fatherhood book about how an expectant father should do something nice to celebrate Mother's Day even when the mother is still expecting.)

My M. He's so wonderful. Three years later and I'm still unbelievably touched that he did that for me. Sometimes in an intercultural or interracial relationship, we gear ourselves up for sacrifice, compromise, disappointment, even. We steel ourselves and decide it will be okay, the issue in question is not to small to overcome, or is not so important to me that I will make it a big deal. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But it is so, so wonderful to find that in some situations that's not necessary. Some battles need not be fought. Sometimes you CAN have everything you want. 

The Segregation of My Life

My life is like the American South in the 1950s. Brown people on one side, white people on the other - no intermingling, please. Use only your designated drinking fountain.

I see my family very regularly, even though we moved pretty far away from them. I still went back every other month or so to visit, and now that there's a grandkid involved, they venture up to see us often, too. M doesn't see them as often as the baby and I do, because often we fly without M during school breaks. M likes my family a lot, though, so he does tag along for the holiday-ish visits, and he enjoys his time there.

The only people from my in-laws that my parents & grandparents have met is M's mother and father. That first time when my MIL and FIL came for our wedding and they spent time with my MIL again when our baby was born. Actually, that visit was particularly weird because M and I were at the hospital pretty much the whole time for more than 5 days. (C-section, extended recovery, and then back for baby jaundice) so my parents and my MIL were basically like roommates - just the three of them alone in my house. Luckily, I was so crazed and spaced out at that time that I didn't even give it a second though and therefore couldn't worry about it too much. (I mean come on! My MIL speaks almost no English and my parents don't know a lick of Urdu. What're they going to do all day long?)

As for M's family, in the beginning, the only ones in America are a couple of cousins that lived a few hours away from us. Now, those cousins have kids and wives and are starting to import their parents (M's aunts and uncles) from Pakistan through the green card process, so it's slowly expanding. We visit them every other month or so also, more often when foreign family visits as it's just easier to make their location the family hub since there are so many of them in one centralized location. We also live near some popular tourist spots, so they come to visit us occasionally also. Also, M's sister has been living in America for the last few years also, has recently moved closer to us, and we try to see her as often as we can.

But so far, the two sides of my family - the two halves of my life, really, have not yet converged. That all changes next weekend. 

There's going to be a big function next weekend that both sides of my family are coming for. Every single parent, grandparent, aunt and uncle I have are coming, and half of them are staying in my house. All of M's American-based family is also coming, including his sister and her family, his cousins, and even a few aunts and uncles. My SIL's family will also be staying in our house during her visit.

So I'm trying to pep talk myself into thinking that this will turn out beautifully. I'm not worried about any conflict, thankfully both sides of the family are generally happy people with no anti-Pakistani or anti-American tension. What I'm worried about most is the segregation. I think both sides are probably going to stick to themselves and not mingle much, and I'll be the only link, perpetually stuck in the middle. There's not a lot of common ground to share, and these people have never met before. 

Also, there's just a lot of difficult to understand difference between the groups, and I fear that neither group has a lot of members that really strive for that kind of understanding. I sometimes get the vibe (from both sides) of "Hey, this isn't what I signed up for!" and I think that kind of why-should-I-have-to-adapt attitude is very limiting in these kinds of situations. I know I am biased, but I think my side of the family will be easier to deal with because even with a lack of understanding (and in some instances a lack of desire to understand) they are still very social and full of southern hospitality. My grandmother my inwardly reel at the sight of someone eating rice with their hands at a formal dinner party, but she'd never so much as bat an eyelash to let you know how disgusting she thinks that is. My husband's side of the family, on the other hand, seem generally pretty content to be insular.

At least I don't have to worry about it too much in regards to the extended family. There's really only one few-hours-long event that everyone will be present at together. And anyway,  life is so crazy hectic for me these days that I don't even have a lot of time to devote to fretting about this anyway. Which is probably for the best. 

Isn't It?

What's the deal with "isn't it?" I remember M used to say that all the time when I first met him instead of "right." He'd say "I know you are having a hard time with your math class, isn't it?" Eventually, he stopped doing that as his English improved, and I forgot about it. 

But the other day, in a terrible, endless bout of procrastination, I was watching episodes of the British desi comedy show Goodness Gracious Me on Youtube, and they often have jokes about British desis saying "innit" which is basically the same thing. 

So where does this come from? Is it just a literal translation of the "Hai na?" Urdu/Hindi slang?