I don't generalize about Pakistanis or desis or anyone for that matter. I mean, I try not to, and I'd like to think that in my head I don't. Sometimes you say something like "Oh yeah, Pakistanis do that too..." and then you think to yourself later, "Oh man, I should have said that SOME Pakistanis do that or that the a lot of the Pakistanis I personally know do that..." because ALL is a very strong and mostly incorrect word.
Anyway, I'm not saying that ALL Pakistanis do this, or that all desis do this, but a lot of the Pakistanis and desis I've met like to have a little discussion about who the baby looks like.
But it's not even about really discussing or actually trying to discern which parent the baby looks most like. It's more like it's a BATTLE, and they have to PROVE that the baby looks more like M. Like desis (the ones I've met who did this, not ALL desis) have a personal stake in proving that a baby that is the product of a half-desi union will look more like the desi parent. Whether that's reality or not.
I'm not saying that my son is identical to me; he's not. But he does have a lot of my features and his skin color is closer to mine than M's (albeit only a little, he is very close to the middle on this.) There are certain things about the baby (hair, nose, fingernails) that are definitely straight from me, and then there are things about him (eyes, chin, facial hair (at 3!)) that are clearly inherited from his father. He's a mix. Of course he is.
But whenever we visit M's family, everyone goes on and on and ON about how the baby looks just like M, or looks just like M did when he was a baby. I have even, on occasion, broken out my own baby pictures and pictures of my son when he was a newborn to show them that we looked the same. And even in front of actual photographic evidence in their own hands, they will say "Oh no no no, you should have seen M when he was a baby. Your son is an exact copy of him!" And then I will stare at the pictures in my hands, as they think back on their 30-year old faded memories, and one day, maybe, I will realize that this battle can never be won.
27 comments:
I do the SAME thing... bust out photos and everything, and you're right it's a losing battle. I take comfort in the fact that I'll be seeing my niece in a week (a "mixed marraige" baby) and will subject my sister in law to the same ordeal. Heh,I'm KIDDING. A little. ;)
Must be frustrating to be in that situation and have all the inlaws not accept any similarities between you and your own child so they can 'win' (and not just be happy...). I can understand this situation happening in cross-racial families- and mostly because one side or other wants to be able to identify with the child. It's actually easier in some ways to do this when the two parents are different skin colors and races. I wonder how often this happens among same-culture or same-race couples. Maybe it happens there too ...
Oh, I know what you are talking about!
I'd say "all" :P
I've yet to come across a desi family that doesn't do this. I have noticed though that the relatives on the male side are more prone to doing it hehe...
Ah well...
Oh @Jennifer... Yes it happens in same race couples as well. This is not, OMG the wife is not desi, let's the make the child look more like our son thing.
It's a common aspect of most desis lives to figure out whom the child looks like.
LOL. Yeah this happens. but doesn't it get interesting. I mean when you know they're only doing it to make themselves comfortable...
oh, I have lived through this as a child.
Its a way to show their love.
I was more like my Mom at my maternal grandparents house and more like my Dad at my paternal grandparents house.
The resultant temper I showed thanks to all the above affection, of course, was the genetic result of the opposite family's house.
Harmless banter, mostly. I now settle it - my ears are my Dad and my toes my Mom. everything else - Mine!
ah no - it's definitely a desi thing, regardless of who the parents are. and as Ego says, it happens even in same race, same-nationality even same tribe couples.
I think you should chop off the first paragraph here...saying "In my experience, many Pakistanis and desis I've met have a discussion..." and you don't have to apologize to anyone. Commenters can chime in with "I've never seen that before" or "my family doesn't do that," if they want, and that's fair enough...
I have noticed this, my own American family does this with my kids. But with a lot of desis I get "voh kiske upar gayi hai?" or some speculation about my daughters and how much they look or don't look like me or my husband. It does seem to be a popular topic of conversation in a way it isn't in my own home culture.
My first daughter looks exactly like me except that her skin tone is darker. Everyone always said that she is exactly like me, especially people who knew me as a child. But DH's family gets bent on finding something about her that is like DH or his sister. My second daughter has features from DH's family, but she is exactly my skin tone, so a lot of times they can't see that she looks like his side because she is very fair and they get stuck on the fairness. But she really does look like them.
P and I have met 3 sets of kids that were Nepali/American so far and each time we have a mini competition to see if the kid looks more Nepali or more Caucasian. Even though I don't really care whether the kid looks more "Nepali" or "American" it always amuses me when the kid doesn't fit the Nepali image that P expects.
P is convinced that since dark hair, dark eyes and tanner skin are dominant genes (I don't know about the tan skin, but this fits into his argument), he is convinced our potential kids would look more like him.
I remember once I saw two little girls with an American mother and you never would have guessed they had a South Asian parent... I was like, "ha! gotchya P!"
I have been thru this TGW , its as no win battle sigh..now I just agree with my inlaws how much my daughter looks like them and it gets them so happy they are extra civil with our time spent with them, win win situation? haha lol
-Ruh
Around there here parts it is MY family that plays this game. My family insists that Anjali is the spitting image of me, essentially ignoring her huge Indian eyes and lips. :-) Sure, I have big eyes for a white girl, but they are not that big.
My mother-in-law managed to make both ways sound bad: either the children look JUST LIKE HER SON, TOTALLY HER SON, HER FAMILY ALL THE WAY, or else gosh, she assumes he's got MY overbite, right?
tell u the truth i suffer from the same lol oh d baby looks like kamran i heard a million and one times before. I dont know why but i came to realise its a topic they enjoy batteling over... But its funny cuz at the end of the day what ever they i dont really listen neither does my hubby for us our son is beautiful and we thank ALLAH that he is so perfect.
love ur blog xx
I think this is all families desi or not though.... my family would always say that a baby on my side of the family looks like the mother (or father) and Im sure the other spouses family all say that the baby looks like their side of the family.. but anyways, who cares? ;)
What an interesting topic for a post! Because it's so true!! Desis (and most likely others too..maybe not as much as desis) love discussing this! In non-mixed-racial families too!
I always end the conversation with saying.. yeah they are a good mix of BOTH of us.
:-) Relax. This happens to almost every DIL @ India or Pakistan. Whether you are a Gori or not. This has nothing to do with you not being desi. Its just a in law syndrome. Happens to me every tiem, almost happens to all my friends. Just take it as a joke...
I have even, on occasion, broken out my own baby pictures and pictures of my son when he was a newborn to show them that we looked the same.
Didn't realize you were more Pakistani than Pakistanis. :-P
Salaams lol I get the same thing but its more of a battle between what race she is rather who she looks like , me personally with my 2 year Old daughter think yep she is a half cast a complete mix, but to my pakistani in laws she a double of there son and full pakistan because of that,Infact when shes dressed in shalwar Kameez she cute and beautiful but if shes dress in a Irish top its yuck your not gona bring her out in that thing thats so embarassing throw that away. so annoying I just ignore it and think as you said you cannot win.
Salaams
This happens no matter who you are married to...even your first cousin with whome you bear a slight resemblance... :s
chill ot hun its just the blessing of being a DIL
HB
Interesting blog you have. I am a Pakistani mother in law of a beautiful gori American.
I don't know how she actually feels about us Pakistanis, as she has been very civil with us all along... (I am sure you too are very polite and civil with your in laws, on their face)
Anyway, the thing that really hurts sometimes is the way girls, (gori or non gori brown Pakistani girls) interpret the love and tolerance of their in laws..
It is all very natural to see your son (or even daughter's) childhood image in his offspring.... its just a show of excitement, pride and joy that our next generation carries our resemblance. In no way it means that the girl who has kept this little angel inside her womb for nine months and who loves and cares for our son and their kid so lovingly can be of any less importance to a mother in law.. (at least it is the case with me)
After all we have been truly gracious and tolerant to accept someone from a totally different culture in our family, so whole heartedly...
It's not about bias, its about being open, direct and less diplomatic compared to extremely diplomatic, "polite" and aloof behaviour of the westerners... We Pakistanis, along with all our drawbacks are people who cannot hide their true colors behind a polite mask of a courteous smile... we are direct, we are open (this is why we accept you as our own with open arms) so we express our emotions frankly... Please try to understand the cultural difference... after all you have gladly accepted a brown Pakistani who is from us, as your dear husband, the father of your kid.... he has been brought up in the same Pakistani atmosphere that you find so frustrating for yourself now.... How come he is not so frustrating to you???
Girl, learn to be tolerant.. learn to recognize a real big heart of Pakistani parents.... and acknowledge their unconditional love with you....
This made me think of this post:
http://www.pbs.org/parents/supersisters/archives/2009/11/what-color-am-i.html?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=fanpagw&utm_campaign=pbs
HAHAHA, that's funny, Yeah sorry Sis, I think ALL desis do this (my family certainly does), unfortunately. As long as it doesn't end up hurting someone's feelings, as it might in your case, since you're not a desi, but just know that it's just a 'game' that the elders in the families like to play. In the end, he is YOUR son and he is going to be reflection of you, more importantly, in character and other fine personality traits that he will acquire with time.
Stumbled on your blog and read a few of the posts. Your description of Pakistani culture is very interesting because I find so many parallels to Indian culture, even in the small details, like the marriage post and the discussion on sweets to be taken to the brides house. But this one was really hilarious, because it's something I've noticed in my in-laws. My own family is mixed so they never really did this, we aren't typical but my in-laws are huge on this. The positive traits are attributed to the current side of the family and the negative to the opposite and so it goes. I find it ridiculous at times but since the kids under discussion aren't mine but nephews I can see the funny side of it :)
Well, if it's any comfort to you, one of our neighbors is half German and half Pakistani... We had no idea she is desi until another desi told us. We always said, "Wow, she looks so German!"
http://apps.facebook.com/daddybluez/?ref=canvas_recent_top
try this :D
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