Your Advice Needed: Meeting The 'Rents

A reader recently emailed me asking for advice. She's dating a Pakistani guy whose mother has come to the U.S. for a visit. The boyfriend has arranged a meeting between his girlfriend and his Pakistani mother. She was specifically concerned about "how do I dress/greet/bring a gift?" but also mentioned being nervous about possibly offending his family and that the mother speaks only Urdu and the boyfriend will be translating. 

My advice so far has been that first and foremost, she should be herself. Her outfit should be fairly conservative out of respect, I think - nothing tight fitting or low cut - but no use donning a burqa for one night. Give these people an opportunity to get to know the real you, and don't give yourself any future problems that arise when they find out how you deceived them. 

As for a gift, I thought a gift for the mother would be nice. The basic red roses/cake/nice bottle of lotion, or perhaps a box of nice chocolates or a pretty scarf. But then again, I'm not always the best gift giver.

For the greeting, a simple "hello" or a heartfelt "It's a pleasure to meet you" is perfectly fine. You could say "Salam" (Peace) which is the typical greeting among Pakistanis, or you could ask your boyfriend to teach you how to say something in Urdu - this could show a willingness to learn more about Pakistan and/or Urdu - if that's something you wish to convey. For your own greeting, I would call his parents "Auntie" and "Uncle" because some Pakistanis get offended about be called Mr. or Mrs. (It's too formal, as if you're strangers.)

A few miscellaneous tips I thought might be helpful: look around to see if others are wearing shoes in the house, you might be expected to take them off at the door. She might pat your head when she greets you, and that would be a good sign. Try not to eat with your left hand, most Pakistanis I know NOTICE that and think it's gross. But really, none of these are major things and I can't think of anything that one could do that would actually offend.

To help with conversation and ease discomfort, I recommend asking a lot of question - maybe even writing down a list of questions to ask in advance so that you've already thought through a few different avenues of conversation (just don't whip out the list during the evening like a newspaper reporter or something) - anything you can think about your boyfriend you'd like to know. Did you excel in school? Was he a difficult child? Was he good at sports? Does she remember what it was like when he left home as an adult? Or ask questions about her. Is she enjoying her visit? How often does she visit America? What's her favorite thing to do while here? If you're meeting at a family member's house, you might even ask if they have any family pictures to browse through. I've found this to be a great way to keep conversations going, to get to know new people better and bond with them. Plus the mother will be happy you're so interesting in hearing about her son & family.

But here's where you come in, dear readers - what advice do you have to our possible future fellow non-desi wife? What about the dress/greet/bring a gift? What about accepting her own gifts graciously? Any tips for making the meeting go smoothly? Any other tips you can think of, land mines to avoid?