It can still be weird to hear, though.
(Maybe it means something more/different too, but I'm not sure and M's asleep so we'll have to wait to explore any further, my fellow culture spelunkers.)
Monday, August 31, 2009
Obligation And Complete Opposites
While visiting my SIL this weekend, I thanked her MIL for something she'd done - I can't even remember what - and she responded "This is not a thank-you kind of thing, this is my obligation." Usually with regards to cultural differences I think of it like a spectrum, a rainbow, many variations, blah, blah blah. But this, I think, is one thing that's completely opposite between American & Pakistani cultures. To an American, saying "this is no big deal, it was an obligation" could be offensive, even. Americans don't like to feel like an obligation, almost the same way that Pakistanis I know think of "thank you" as negating the good deed, Americans I know think of obligation as negating the good deed. But in this context, she was trying to say that she holds me as close as if I were her own family member, someone she would be obligated to, and that whatever kind thing she had done for me was borne from that high esteem. Which is really a compliment.
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12 comments:
Did she say something to the effect of:
"yeh to mera farz banta hai"
?
In that case, it usually means, its the basic thing to do, not 'obligation' but kind of like duty, or rather, an understood thing to do.
Like passing the salt on the table - if I want you to eat well, I will pass the salt to you and you shouldnt thank me for it. Similarly, I will look out for my family members, esp close ones and they shouldnt thank me for it. I know they will do the same.
Even in India, thanking is more of a formal thing, something extended for special deeds, or for non-family members. When my brothers lift my luggage, they should. yeh to unka farz banta hai :P
I will probably give them sweets to thank them, but indirectly. Thank them not in words, but in actions.
I agree with Indiashoes. Many a times, farz (duty) is counted as obligation but it is actually a obligation to those we are close to, those we love dearly...
Keep exploring...life is a journey.
Oh wow, we go through this in my family on a daily basis!! And with our own parents! My brother and I say "Thank You" for every little thing and it drives my parents NUTS. And, then, if we do something for our parents, they're like, "What do you want, A THANK YOU or something?!" :)
My mom says that "obligation" thing to me all the time, and I completely understand the cultural context of it.
In this case, I still like the American way better, though. Because as I see it, if God requires a thank you five times a day (at least), then why shouldn't our parents require one?
I stumbled across your blog a few days ago and I find it rather interesting. I'm starting from the beginning so it will probably take me a while to catch up.
Hmm Faiqa, I think unwittingly you have pointed out the reason for all this cultural dissimilarity.
(long comment ahead!)
You see, in India, we believe our God/s love us and do things to make our life better, because they want to. We (historically) didnt thank God. We just do things to keep our Gods happy. We show our love and respect by festivals, of which they are a part of - dance or eat with the Gods, admire Them, etc., through our invocations and prayers and offerings.
So, 'thanking' basically, has not been something that we do. We just reciprocate with good things.
We take certain basics for granted, but not soo much - because we reciprocate with similar good actions, or if thats not possible, love and sometimes, gifts.
We show the thanks rather than say it.
We rather feel a Thank You is an obligation, like I did something out of the ordinary for you, or I am indebted to you for doing something good for me, which I cannot repay. So I thank you for the deed.
I guess its cultural about the way we look at the larger and smaller picture, and also the way we see the term.
The hindi term Dhanyavaad was not often used till the British came to India. Even now its rarely used. Its use is more in conjunction with being obliged that something has been done for me - came to my house, gave me money, etc.
'Thank you', though is now becoming part of our lives, but I still dare not use it with my parents more than once a day, if at all!
Its a long story which can be discussed ad infinitum, but I will stop here. Like Shadows of Life said "Keep exploring...life is a journey" :)
My friend ameena who is also a blogger is getting hitched to a Desi lad and i will direct her to your blog as i feel she could benefit from your wealth of info on being the Gori wife!
Indiashoes - loved it again the explanation of 'thank you' in our culture.
Reminds me of an incident from the time when I first started teaching Hindi to goras [;-)]
My first student, 35+ year old white guy asked me Qs related to general introduction. I suddenly found myself saying 'we don't say I'm fine, thank you when someone ask us how are we doing.' He was pretty shocked and stated it is rude. And I said, no not really. Now after years, the story is different but I still hardly use thank yous with my family though everytime I call back home papa says,'thank you beta for calling, its so nice of you'
Oh well!
I can't help but say "thank you" even if it is not expected, otherwise I just feel rude. When visiting my partner's family in Nepal over the summer I found myself saying thank you every time they passed me juice or chai or served me something for dinner. One day P’s father said, “we are family you don’t need to thank us” and I said, “I can’t help it, it automatically comes out!” I guess it is a quirk of mine that they will eventually get used to.
Meanwhile I am thrown sometimes when something is asked for without saying “please.” I know that when speaking in Nepali the please is inherent in a word if you are using the respectful form, but in English hearing “give me biscuits” sounds a bit demanding. P has lived in the US long enough to use the “magic word” but lack of hearing please from others is something I have to get used to when foreign family members are visiting :)
Nice blog!
Yeah just don't say thank you in front of desh born indians unless they have been in the states for a while. For them, thank you means action...so if someone does something for you, then just make sure to do something in return sometime (i.e, if MIL makes food, then offer to make chai/dessert).
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