Who's Doing The Adjusting After All?

A lot of people ask me about the adjustments I've had to make by marrying a Pakistani. Those questions come in all forms with different tones, from my grandmother's critical "Why can't you have a more American life? You are an American, you know?" to my husband's aunt's "Wow, you have adapted so well to our culture!" meant as a compliment to me.

I think that no one can really see the full picture. My husband and I make our life from the myriad options we both brought with us into our marriage. The final makeup of our life is somewhere in between and it changes daily. It has it's own life cycle. There were times when I wore shalwar kameez out around town almost half the time and cooked Pakistani food for dinner almost every night. Now is not one of those times. 

But the thing I've always wanted to explain is that I don't think I'm the one doing the majority of the compromising or adopting of cultures. I think my husband has.

My husband will never again get to live in the country he was born and raised in, where he spent most of his adult life. This is something we agreed to before marrying, that I will want to live in America. My husband will have to struggle his entire life to try and impart his heritage to his children, and he may end up disappointed if they don't identify with their Pakistani heritage as much as he'd wish. He will also struggle to ensure that they are fluent in Urdu. Even with his best efforts, they may not be. He has had to change his expectations of a spouse, the roles of spouses in a marriage, gender roles and expectations in general, and what he expects his life to be like. He can no longer enjoy a Pakistani party like he used to. He must be "on the job" translating for me the entire time. Even at family gatherings (maybe especially at those) he can't just sit around chatting with his cousins, he must be actively ensuring I'm engaged in the conversation as well.

This is not to say that he deserves any accolades from the rest of the world for these things, just that compromise is a two way street and I don't think many people in our life understand or value the compromises he's made on his side. 

Some people might say that these don't count as much because he chose this life. He chose to come to America and should lead an "American life" (whatever that means.) But he originally came to America only for graduate studies. He didn't have to decide he was going to reevaluate his stance of gender and the role of women in society. These are compromises he's made by marrying me, just as I've made compromises to marry him. I sometimes think that the compromises on his side are the pretty big ones. Eating on the floor and where we spend our winter vacation seem like relatively smaller compromises to me.