First, we would try to show up on time for the party. That way we would be some of the first people there. It's surprising how much the first guests can dictate how the rest of the evening goes. If we showed up first, we could get some interesting conversations going, basically refusing the small ways that gender segregation would be enforced. If I was in the middle of a group of men having an interesting conversation it was more likely that the next-arriving guests would assimilate into that group and so on, thereby ensuring a mixed gathering.
There were a few times in those early days when we just couldn't help it. The host of whatever gathering would make sure that as soon as possible, the women and men were in separate spaces. M, though, knew not to let a repeat of that first party happen. He would come check on me every 15 or 20 minutes, try to engage in conversations with the women so that he could spend a few minutes with me, and make sure we left as soon as I was no longer happy. I was always impressed with his efforts and it was very clear that my happiness and comfort was very important to him, and that he would do whatever it took to make sure I was happy and comfortable. Even being the lone guy standing in the doorway to the ladies' room.
After a while, though (a long while, we're talking maybe a year after we were married) it seemed like this was a blight on our social lives. I'm sure we were regarded as the people who always screwed everything up, and neither M or I would have much fun at social gatherings. We were always on pins and needles and always apprehensive. And by that time I had made friends of a lot of these women and often even enjoyed hanging out with them. So we had a talk and decided to relax the rules a little, give in a bit to the gender segregation, but continue to always be aware of the others (read: my) comfort level just in case it was time to leave.
Nowadays it's still pretty rampant and most social interactions with Pakistanis are gender segregated. M's family is not very conservative and don't segregate their family functions, but some of his extended family on his fathers side do. A lot of the functions we went to during our last trip to Pakistan for my BILs wedding were very strictly separated by gender by the bride's family. Even gatherings in our own home end up that way by the men slowing spilling downstairs to play video games and the ladies staying upstairs.
I still hate it though, and I think it's unnecessary. It will continue to be one of the aspects of Pakistani culture I struggle with forever, I think.
6 comments:
Glad you resolved it. But does it still bother you? It doesn't bother me unless I am segregated off with women who I don't know who are not talking to me or making me uncomfortable.
Why did you keep going to social gatherings if you didn't enjoy them? I mean, isn't that the point of social gatherings? We would have gotten new friends, or told them that we were no longer interested in going to their social functions AND exactly why we were no longer interested.
Oh - also found a blog post that might give you more insight (& a different perspective) on this issue: The Kitchen Connection: Bonding with Indian Culture and People through Food
I think it has a lot to do with the Muslim culture rather than just Pakistan.
But seriously, I find it silly that people living in the US still follow the segregation. It may be somewhat understandable in Pakistan where the whole social scene is like that. Or is it so deep rooted in them that they cant imagine mixing with the other gender even in an equal opportunity country?
I think gender segregation is most rampant in the Muslim culture.
My family does it because they are super religious and all the women are complete hijabis so it makes sense. I don't do hijab (anymore) I don't really bother staying in the "ladies section". My brothers have issues with me doing this but mostly it's a religious outlook.
I think it's ridiculous to segregate if you don't have hijab issues.
Another thing that annoys the living hell out of me is how men generally get served before the women!!! WHY? I don't think I can ever wrap my head around these customs(?)
You're going to think I'm nuts but I actually enjoy being separated from the men. Here at the farm if my husband has a male guest they stay in the livingroom and I disapear on the other side of the house. When I explained to husband that I just didn't like being right there with the men he said he felt that was perfectly normal. I'm always very nice and polite and make a bit of conversation. I lay out tea and biscuits etc. I don't just stomp off in a weird huff or something.
In many ways I've experienced gender separation at parties and gatherings even in America. The women and men just naturally seemed to part company and go hang out with each other. The only time I didn't see this too much was at family Christmases but then, my Aunt's house had a wide-open plan for kitchen and livingroom.
But even at many of our family gatherings there was a male/female split ~ totally natural.
So I think this is why I get uncomfortable being right there in the company of "The guys" ...
Here in my new home in Scotland there's quite a bit of this social separation as well, although we rarely go into separate rooms. First we all talk together while initially greeting but then we women square off with each other and the men square off and that's how it goes for the rest of the visit pretty much.
I think it's very natural. At least it seems to happen naturally even in the West!
At the same time, it's very common in American get-together's that the women and men end up separating as well, isn't it? I know you're familiar with the scene where all the men watch football on tv while the women chat and sip coffee at the dining table or in the kitchen. It's more up-front in Desi culture, but it's also a part of culture here, too. It's just a natural thing that tends to happen on it's own anyway.
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