It was a few weeks before the birth of our son. Ammi, my mother-in-law, was visiting. M and I were busy with work & school, but were also trying to finish up a lot of projects around the house before the baby arrived. The call it nesting, and we were in full swing! But our list of nesting projects was not only the usual hanging of curtains, folding of tiny onesies, and putting together baby furniture. We had even fallen behind on even the most basic life maintenance tasks and M needed to clean the bathrooms!
One morning, M and I were setting out our plan for the day and discussed the need for him to clean all the bathrooms that evening when he got home from work. Ammi volunteered that she could clean the bathrooms and I vehemently said NO.
I did. not. want. my mother-in-law spending the day in my bathroom! In my stuff.
Now let me explain. I grew up in a house where privacy was widespread and well respected. I had my own room, with a door. That locked. Even when I was very young. As a teenager I had my own bathroom. I am used to having a wealth of privacy. Even M doesn't disturb my privacy because he'd never open a drawer that wasn't his or look in my purse. Not that I really need privacy. I'm not a CIA agent. It's just something weird about me, I guess. Maybe it's a particularily American thing. (There's a short story titled "Doors" in the book Arranged Marriage by Chitra Divakaruni that is a similar explanation of a privacy-craving American married to a desi. You should read it, it's a great book!)
Back to the story. I told Ammi that she should NOT clean the bathrooms. M would do it when he came home that evening. Then I left and didn't think about it again. You can probably see where this is going. When I got home, all the bathrooms had been cleaned. By Ammi. Even the master bathoom in our bedroom. The one that connected to our closet. With all my stuff in it.
It was just something about the fact that my MIL spent God only knows how long in MY bathroom, in MY bedroom, right next to my closet! It killed me. There are so many things in my bathroom cabinets that I did not want to have to explain to my her! And clothes in my closet not intended for her viewing. It killed me.
It was probably the only time I had ever had to ask M to come with me to the bedroom so that we could talk about something his mother was doing that I was not pleased with. It wasn't that I was ungrateful. I know how sweet it was for her to want to lighten our load, and who wouldn't want help around the house! I truly appreciate everything that she does for us, but some things are just off limits! For most people, the bathroom probably wouldn't be off limits, but for me it was. So I talked to M about it, asked him to make sure it never happened again - just not OUR bathroom! I think he went downstairs and explained it in terms of a "those crazy Americans" kind of thing while I searched the cabinets to make sure none of the unmentionables had been disturbed. Then closed the door behind me when I left. It never came up again.
But now we've since moved to a new place. And we no longer have a beautiful, expansive master bathroom. In fact, the master bathroom is the only one that has a walk-in shower, which is much easier for Ammi to use because of a hip replacement. So Ammi is back in our bathroom, at least occasionally for showering. It's been easier to deal with when you know it's coming, though.
Of course, finding out she'd folded all my underwear yesterday riled up the same craving for privacy as the old bathroom did! I'll just have to keep on top of the laundry so she doesn't have to do it, I guess. Or stop caring.
9 comments:
Aahh!! I am the same way so I feel your pain, and know exactly what you mean when you say aren't trying to be ungrateful. My MIL has moved on to understanding I don't want her touching my/my husbands laundry (I dont want her seeing my lingere), etc. but sometimes still tries stuff anyway :/ She goes from not folding to bringing it upstairs for me. Oh well, it's a step in the right direction!
You're really lucky to have had your husband immediately get that you meant what you said and try to address the issue. I hope he'll fix the underwear thing too if it keeps up! It's soo nice to have someone care enough to help out, but you can't let that keep you from being comfortable in your own house. I think one reason it might be so hard for most foreign MILs to give in is that most are used to the whole fight-for-the-dishes thing where they act like they won't let you do/help with something 50 times before they give up (hope that makes sense).
You know what I thought at first...I thought maybe your MIL would splash water all over the bathroom which the way they clean the bathrooms in Pakistan. lol
Privacy is really important. I wouldn't want anyone going through my master bathroom either. Even if they are trying to help.
Too much of a good thing is bad... Especially when it comes to one's really prized possession - privacy. I understand that totally... I once had a very helpful cousin help me set up my place. Later on I realized he must have seen some 'unmentionables'. That was too much for me really... :) Keep writing. I'm taking cues from you ;)
Sorry for reposting. Had too many typos the first time..
Privacy and personal space, very culturally defined. My MIL is not so bad, but I definately would not want my MIL in my bathroom cabinet. Though I know she has snooped in there before. Actually, I put some fun stuff in there when she comes just for kicks. ;)
I had the same exact experience with my amazing MIL about six years ago. I went to the gym and when I got back my room was clean. I was furious. I handled it the same way, though. Tactfully. Because she meant well.
But, whatever, what I *really* want to know is HOW DID YOU GET A DESI MAN TO CLEAN THE BATHROOM? You need to pass along that information, pronto.
MY husband is very helpful, but he doesn't do bathrooms or shirts. Or food. Or sweep. You know what, come to think of it, he's not sounding very helpful right now... ;)
Omg I would be mortified! Your MIL sounds veryyy productive though :)
@ MJ - That's a great point. Can't be uncomfortable in my own house. I will keep repeating that to myself.
@ LuckyFatima - Ha! That's such a fantastic way to think of it - putting extra fun stuff just for kicks. Wish I had the huevos.
@ Faiqa - I asked him and he replied "It's not you it's me." When I asked what in the heck that's supposed to me he said "That I am a great guy." Whatever that's worth.
Aditya cleans the bathroom too, but he needs specific directions as to what to do. Really, the only chore he hates is picking up the dog doo, so I do that - in exchange he deals with the bowls & tupperware that gets forgotten in the fridge and goes moldy - I hate touching/smelling that stuff.
But going back to the main topic - I'm pretty much without shame regarding privacy things, so I'm afraid I can't really relate to your bathroom incident - it's fine with me if Maa or Baba were to go through any or all of our stuff, although I doubt they would intentionally. But I know I'm pretty out-of-the-norm in this regard.
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