When M lived in CollegeTown, USA, there were only two little desi stores around. One sold "halal" meat and was run by Pakistanis, and one was an Indian joint selling mostly spices, Indian housewares and beauty supplies as well as holding down a considerable Bollywood movie rental business.
I remember the first time going into one of those stores. M had brought me with him to buy some meat for a dinner party he was throwing at his apartment that evening. A lot of his friends only ate "halal" meat, so he had to buy all the meat at that store. I think I started hating shopping at desi stores right then because of the looks the Pakistani store keepers were shooting in my direction.
Part of the reason for the looks is because it's just still fairly uncommon to see a desi intermarry, but the main reason is that M had shopped here for a long time before bringing this white girl with him. They knew him. They knew he was here as a student and that he came from a good family who was all back waiting for him to return. They knew that the type of family M came from would not approve of this match, and that they must not know about it.
ALL of that was included in each side-long glace from the Pakol-headed guy sitting behind the register. Don't get me wrong - the men working there (only men...) were never unkind to me. Not overly welcoming, but not hostile either. The shopkeeper never once touched my hand when he was giving me change - he'd always drop the change into my palm in order to avoid touching.
It was almost WORSE going to the Indian store, though, because they didn't know all the background. The looks on their faces made it pretty clear that they were trying to figure it out. What IS he doing with HER???
Ever since then, I've never really liked shopping in desi stores. I just feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. Everyone's watching me. I feel so conspicuous. I wonder what they think of me - crazy Yoga girl who's gone over the I-Love-India deep end? Why is she buying the extra hot chili powder. Should we tell her that it will definitely be too much for her? Or do they know I've stolen one of their men?
Things are a bit better now. There are plenty of stores in the very diverse area we live in. One on every corner, at least. We have a regular store we go to where people semi-know us. They still say "salam" to M and "Hi" to me, though. But there is one butcher at the local meat shop who even speaks to me in Urdu sometimes. And at least I know most of what's sold there now so I don't have to ask stupid questions. I can just make the quick rounds, get what I need, and go home!
17 comments:
The beginning of your post echoed my experiences when me and the hubby used to venture out to his old spots where he would buy halal meat and the restaurant next door where he'd pick up food... "what in GOD's name is her doing with her??" was definitely the look- even more extreme was our strangeness than yours- being African-American, there's NO WAY anybody from his family knew he could possibly be with me.... LOL LOL LOL
I don't have to tell you "the looks" the first time they saw me after a long while and I was HUGE pregnant with my daughter..... ;p
Hahaha, funny post. Over here since Dubai is about 70%+ desi, the vast majority of stores (the "regular") are desi stores except some special expensive gora stores.
Ha ha, I totally know what you mean on this one! Although I have gotten to the point where I don't really care at all if people stare at me and I act like I belong there. I have even caught myself doing the gora stare to other goras. Especially if its a white couple together, then I'm like, do they know what they are buying? Maybe they need help? This is probably a weekend excursion for them instead of a regular trip to the grocery store like it is for me... Another funny thing, when I first married my M, he taught me how to make some desi foods and some of the ingredients I had never seen before (I got married before I ever really had learned to cook for myself). So he didn't know the English names of the ingredients. One day he sent me alone to the desi store with a list including imli and zeera. When I asked a lady at the store for these items, she about fell over in shock, and then I actually had to explain to her that I didn't even know the English words for these things (although I do now!)
Everytime I see a blog about this topic, I always feel myself smiling.
See, the strange thing is, while I've noticed the stares...I've also noticed the smiles that went with them. I think that in all my relationship with Bear, I've only gotten one dirty look from a very old chacha. But I choose to continue smiling at him and when I got close, did a slight bow and said Namaste. He didn't exactly smile at me, but he did look touched and shocked at the same time.
I sometimes think a big portion of our perceptions of how others are viewing us...is how we are viewing ourselves. I walk around feeling like Bear and I are like any other couple and don't worry about what other people think. I'm just happy with the entire world when we are together and I think that they eventually see that and react to it.
One example I can give is that there were three restaurants we would go to frequently, at first, I would get the confused stares. After some time, they began talking to me with smiles, joking with me, and giving us the best tables. The elders would come out to pat me on the head. In retrospect, I attribute it to allowing them to look all they wanted, be as kind to them and open as I could and to smile often.
I guess my Dad was right, a smile can go further than any money ever could.
I think you're absolutely right, Auroracoda. (and agreeded with the similar sentiments you expressed when Gori Girl was writing about noticing the staring, too.) I think a lot of it is just a projection of my own insecurities. If I didn't care about being different and largely unaccepted in the beginning, I wouldn't have minded the stares so much. Or at least I wouldn't have read that unaccepted-ness into the stares, which may or may not have been there to begin with. I think it's telling that the halal butcher at the meat shop and I have begun to have nice interactions because we once dubbed him "Smiley" because he was decidely un-smiley whenever we saw him. But I pushed through and finally was able to find a plane to relate to him and -gasp- I may even be growing as a person!
Well I dont know if its because you're not desi.... our peeps aren't very friendly to our own either I must say. I went with a non-urdu speaking friend to a desi fast food joint and I spoke to him in urdu and the guy asked me, "ummmm does he hate you?" I asked him why, and he said "uhhh he seemed to be yelling at you." Yep. That's how our peeps be. It's really a darn shame.
I have however once inadvertently experienced what it must be like to be an interracial couple with a desi guy. At ISNA, an islamic conference I met a white guy that was working at a booth selling books and we got caught up in a great conversation and went to go sit outside and talk and the GLARES we got. People literally turned and scowled at him. I didn't know then, I was 19 at the time, and I asked him, "ummm why are people staring at us?" and he said, "they're pissed because I'm taking one of their own" to which I couldn't stop giggling.... but seriously that was very sad on many levels that this is the response we got.
I know - I'm so interested in the experience of a desi girl who's married a non-desi. You know they have to get it from all sides, right!? I mean, guys can do it, sure, but a desi girl marrying an American - now that's a story I'd love to hear. (Maybe YOU could look into that for us, Aisha??? Hmm...how good was the conversation with that guy at ISNA? The convention's coming up y'know!)
You are so ignorant! The guy you married is the same race as you are -- caucasian. However, since you grew up in a color based prejudice environment you cannot look past skin color -- white / brown. Really sad! Go to the nearest university and talk to anyone in biology or anthropology and they will tell you that "White" is not a racial category. The rest of the stuff about spices and how people greet you is all in your head. The more you think you are "different", the more you will be.
Race is a social construct - there is no baseline. Perhaps YOU should go to your local university and speak with someone in the philosophy department. There are different theories oF racial classification and some classify people from the Indian subcontinent as caucasian and some classify those people as a separate race or even part of "mongoloid" or "negroid" classifications. It is ignorant to believe that there is anything of truth behind these social constructs and human categorizations. People are different the world over.
Hey Gori Wife! First off, Ramadan mubarak to you and your hubby :) I am a Pakistani American girl married to a gora.
I personally haven't noticed any nastiness from community members. My husband is a little imposing, so maybe that's why we don't get stared at. We've been married for 3 years now this past July. I do remember that our first Eid there were many terrified stares by desi young men at the prayer hall (they rented out a banquet hall to accommodate people). I think they were terrified because they realized that they can't keep being f-ups anymore because girls WILL go outside the community to find good husbands.
Also, uncles seem to like my husband because they are pleasantly surprised by his Urdu, Arabic, and Persian skills as well as knowledge of politics especially when it is related to their sphere of interest. He is very into cooking and Aunty's are kind of patronizing with him when he talks abut cooking desi food, which pisses him off a little. Also, he still gets the "Oh beta this is very spicy" thing from strangers. That's a bit irritating too. People who know us know better :)
I actually enjoy getting stared at because I feel like I am opening people's mind and I also get a kick out of confusing desis and goray alike. I often go to the grocery store in shalwar kameez with my hubby and boy are people confused, I love it. Just because I married a gora doesn't mean I'm automatically an ABCD. In fact, I often forget he's gora, until I am reminded by outsiders :)
One thing that does irritate me, is that since we are an inter-racial couple, other desis automatically assume, we dated. We had an arranged marriage, and had not been alone together, let alone touched each other until our wedding night.
Anyhoo, I could go on and on about my experiences, but I don't want to take up anymore space. Let me know if you have any questions. I love to share.
Also, your assumption about the uncle dropping the change in your palm in order to avoid touching being negative may be incorrect. It is customary for Muslim men and all desis infact to not touch strange women (non-mahram) and he was doing that out of respect. Touching a strange woman even on the palm, is often considered very rude and inappropriate Islamicly and culturally.
I am a desi girl married to a Caucasian. I live in a very Caucasian town. I actually do not get stared at by the Cuacasians. It is quite the opposite. When desi's see us and our kids, they are so amused. They stare at me and when I look at them and smile--they look the other way. C'mon------------desi men are the worst sometimes-----they stare at me like "why are you not with one of us ???? "
there is a great new pakistani indian place on lee highway in arlington va called RAJA BAZAAR. THEY HAVE ALL FRESH PRODUCTS BECUASE THEY ARE BRAND NEW AND THEY DO NOT CUT BEEF ON THIER MEAT CUTTER. IT IS CLEAN FOR US HINDUS AND I AM REALLY ENJOING MY CHICKEN, LAMB, GOAT THAT HAS NO CONTAMINATION. THANK GOD FOR RAJA BAZAAR CALL THEM AT 703-536-4322
Hi I am a Gora married to a Guju for 20 some odd years. It is really the Indian men who seem to have the hardest time with it.
They have the most vested in maintaining the status quo as it provides such preference to them.
My wifes sister is married to a Nigerian. You can imagine what they go through. Why anyone would want to marry someone just like themself is the question that I do not understand. So boring. Learn from Darwin, expand the gene pool.
Honestly, I can understand why someone wouldn't want an intercultural marriage. I've said before that I totally understand how someone might not want to play the role of cultural ambassador day in and day out for the rest of their lives. My husband still to this day has to explain things to me and he'll never get to be with someone who totally understands his background and where he comes from and what certain things mean to him based on his life experiences. Marrying someone from the same area he'd grown up in would have giving him that kind of shared life experience. I don't have that either. For us, though, it's no question - we agree with you that we'd prefer to "expand our gene pool" and experience pool and live a life like this. But I get it that it's not for everyone either.
Totally agree with you about the whole desi stores attitude. My wife remains oblivious and her nature to look at everyone equally fails to pick up the vibe but it pisses me off.
Most of these desi people want to be treated like an equal but refuse to treat others as such.
I get way more uncomfortable around desi people than my Caucasian wife.
You should add an option to put in email address (hidden) instead of URL when submitting comments.
I have to keep coming back to refresh the page to see if I got any replies to the query i posted in a different thread "Bringing Gifts to Pakistan."
I'm a US gori married to an NRI Guju from Congo, but I know exactly what you mean. Before my husband, I regularly shopped at two Indian grocery stores, and people were generally very amused by me and full of smiles. Every desi store/restaurant we've been to together--lots of disapproval. Especially from men. Aunties sometimes look supportive/curious.
We get a much warmer welcome (from Indians, at least) in low-desi population areas.
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