I was raised to say Thank You for everything. For big and little things, even small things within our own home - everything deserved a Thank You. Even my parents would say Thank You to their children if we fetched something for them. Some families do or don't do certain things in certain ways - in my family, Thank You was important.
So of course, in the early days when M was taking me out to dinners, buying me coffees, holding doors open for me and paying me lots of compliments, there were a lot of Thank Yous coming out of my mouth. M had a problem with this. He once told me not to say Thank You.
"Don't say that!" he said, with a look of distaste.
"Say what?" I said, wondering what could have just come out of my mouth to cause such upset.
"Thank You," he said, "don't say that to me again."
He explained that if I said Thank You, it would cheapen his efforts - we were too close for Thank Yous. He did these things because he wanted to, not because he expected any Thanks.
I didn't understand that. How could my being Thankful for his kindness cheapen any of the things he did for me? I didn't say Thank You because I was required to - and in my family, everyone said Thank You no matter how close - even parents and children. Thank You was a GOOD thing to say.
In the end it's just one of those intercultural morsels of difference. I've heard this from lots of desis and those in intercultural relationships with desis. Apparently many people have had this trouble with Thank You and I've heard similar tales from at least 6 other intercultural couples. Sometimes it's similar to our situation, with the desi party uncomfortable with all the Thank Yous, and sometimes it's the non-desi party upset with the lack of Thank Yous.
As far as I can tell, it's just not a practice to say Thank You in many iterations of desi culture, even when someone sincerely appreciates your efforts. Hospitality is such a important part of desi culture that good hosts do not want Thank Yous - it is their honor and duty to do nice things for guests, friends and family, and Thank You is not a part of it. And as a result, people who grew up in such a culture are just not in the practice of saying Thank You. (Of course, I know plenty of desi people who do say Thank You, different families do things differently.)
In the end, for us, I could not stop saying Thank You. A lifetime had ingrained in me the importance of vocalizing my genuine appreciation when people do nice things, just as a lifetime had ingrained in M to do such nice things and not hear that vocalization. Eventually I won, and M accepted my Thanks. He even began to say Thank You himself after some time of being inundated by mine. I even found him a little religious reference that said that those who do not Thank PEOPLE do not Thank GOD. And now my house is just as polite in this respect as my childhood home was, with Thank Yous abound. Our son's first word was even Thank You. :) Although it sounded more like "tanku."
18 comments:
Hmmmmmm, this one's new to me. Hubby did have a problem with "I love you's" for a long time. . .but I've cured him of that one finally. . .
Cute post :). My son loooves the "thank you" game. He brings me things and I say thank you. Thank you was my first word too, maybe it will be my son's too!
That is very true about the whole thank you thing. When my husband's family sent gifts for my daughter from abroad I kept telling my husband to call his uncle and say thank you and that we received them. He kept putting it off, and then when he did tell them thanks, his uncle asked what was the need and why was everyone keep telling him thanks. I see this "issue" being a major difference.
You haven't been posting that much lately. Still stuck as to what to write about?
Your son sounds like a cutie :)
So what do desis do when someone does something for them? Do they just not say anything? I would have a hard time with that.
How so weird.
I was raised in a strict hindu household and I was always taught to say 'Thank you' and 'sorry'.
Especially in South Indian and Sri Lankan families it is a very important way to teach politeness to children this way.
I guess again...not all Desi's can be put into one basket....we cannot be stereotyped.
I think it is different for all :D. In our family, the elders don't normally say thank you ... but we always do.. And we always always do it with outsiders... taxi walas, rickshaw walas
etc
:D tanku is soooo cute! Can't you post a picture of son? :(
Most everyone I know says "Thank you." But this word, and "sorry," and a few other of these types of terms are usually said in English, and not usually "shukria" or "dhanyavaad." Actually, your son isn't alone because over here it is typical to hear people say Thank you as Tank you.
I think most pakistanis have trouble actually saying thank you and sorry.
Actually I would agree with M on this. It feels like when you get a thank you after something, it would cover all your good intention and reciprocate for the effort. You dont really want a thank you, you want the other person to understand.
You dont want the other person to be grateful because that would mean the you did something unexpected and out of character and a thank you would some how reciprocate those actions, you want the other person to understand that no matter what, You will do good to them, and not just out of obligation or character, but because you want to.
And its not a matter of culture but a matter of relationship. In some relations, things are no longer a choice for you, but mandatory for you, example respect for your elders. Maybe the cultural part comes somewhere around here, that we tend to have much more close knit families where every person has a role to play, with well defined responsibilities and duties. Otherwise I suppose its same everywhere.
And finally I understand why M would not want you to say thank you cuz its a male thing. Which is what I describe above, that we really dont want your 'thank you's, we dont want our better halves to be grateful, we want them to be understanding then and later, when our shortfalls come.
like everybody says...
i think its more of a personal thing...
thank you may not be as common as you would expect it to be but it still prevails among the masses who speak english...
of course the ones who do not still know it as the few good words they should...
could b personal ! or part of his household... tho i do know what he means... but if i said that i would not be so harsh about it...
when i say it is more like...
awww.... no need to thank me... mwaaah... :D
lol
My husband didn't have a hard time with thank you but our issue was his criticism which he perceived as constructive and I perceived as downright rude because it was so frequent. Just one of the many challenges in intercultural families!
i like ur post:) but i dont think its a cultural thing....i am a pure desi from desi family and we were always taught to say our thankyous and ur welcomes...even the sorrys are said in abundance...and like uni says....we are so abundant in our thankyou or shukrias(in urdu)that we even say it to sabzi wala shopkeepers and rikshaw walas :)
i think M comes from an authoritarian family where there is a huge element of reserve between family members...thats y he thinks like that...otherwise desis are fine with thank yous :)
masha'allah.. sounds cute :)
Lovely
"My husband didn't have a hard time with thank you but our issue was his criticism which he perceived as constructive and I perceived as downright rude because it was so frequent."
Yes, seriously had this problem w/the DB--although it may have been a function of his individual temperament as much as anything. I think he eventually got that he was really hurting my feelings and tamped it down a bit.
The thank you thing---a problem. As a commented earlier, I say it compulsively, even or especially to loved ones. I do totally understand his problem with it, but I've explained where I come from, so I wish he would quick getting huffy when it accidentally slips out of my mouth.
Megan - Yeah, sometimes they don't say ANYTHING! And sometimes they even take your gift into another room and they rarely open in front of you. Sometimes you'll see them wearing or using it the next time you see them, and they'll tell you how much they like it. But thank you is getting more common, too. Also, it's not really like, Rude, or anything, it's just not a part of the culture.
Dugi - Yeah, I totally see that kids in Pakistan, too, are taught to be VERY respectful, esp. of elders. Always with the "Ji, sir" and "Aap" and fetching things when asked. Maybe kids say thank you, I don't really know?
Safiullah - You sound just like M - he had all those same reasons, I think. All I can say is that my "thank you" didn't mean ANY of those things. It was just my SINCERE appreciation. I mean, when you do something nice or give a gift, of course the recipient will appreciate it, right? It's just an argument about whether I should or should not express my appreciation, and I just couldn't stop myself! Thanks for the male perspective!
Abdul Sami - he was pretty harsh! I think once he threatened never to do anything nice or buy any more gifts ever again if I said thank you one. more. time!
Sanaz - I think there probably is some authoritarian/reserve bit in M's family, but that's not uncommon in desi family interaction either. I mean, things change with the times, and M's family is just a little further down the line, maybe.
Ruth S. - thankfully, the 'huffy' stage didn't last too long for us!
Yet another post that totally hit home for me! I've been asked not to say Thank You more times than I can count - and like you, it's just far too ingrained in me to ever stop. Although I have come to accept that I won't generally receive thanks, and to understand that it's not a sign of rudeness.
I guess I was the annoyed one... My desi husband would never say thanks. But for me that was just a must-have. You have to thank people for going out of their way for you. And I guess I won the battle, thank you is very common in our house now ;)
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