They wanted me to change my name. Converts change their names! M's grandmother had even picked one out for me! (Presumptuous, much?) I didn't even know any discussion of this was going on until a day or two before our wedding, when M mentioned the heated discussions he was having back at the place his parents were staying. Apparently, they'd been inquiring about my "new name" since shortly after seeing my picture for the first time.
First of all, no. I was not going to, did not, and will change my name. It's not required, not everyone does it, and I like my name just fine, thanks! Also, my parents gave me that name after a lot of thought and with a lot of love. And in the process of converting to Islam, I felt I'd been called to the religion - and my name was fine then, right? God was able to find me back then, what's wrong with my name now? I was totally against it (for me - to each his or her own!)
Turns out this was the thing M's parents had decided to take up as their cause. "What will we call her?" they asked. "Beti!" M replied (meaning daughter.) "How will we explain?" they cried "Don't" said M. "Your cousin's wife changed her name!" they asserted. (Um, yeah - no one calls her that - not even HIM, and anyway that was her decision, it doesn't have to be mine.)
Eventually, after meeting stubborn refusal after stubborn refusal, they let it go. Thankfully, and in part because my in-laws really ARE great, they never asked me about it to my face, and they never went crying to other people about their terrible fate/son/new daughter-in-law.
UNfortunately, that wasn't the last of it. On my first trip to Pakistan, a year later, it was always the first question out of people's mouths after meeting me.
Them, to me: "Nice to meet you." Looks at ML "What's her name?"
M: "(Redacted)"
Them: "Hm. And her Muslim name?"
M: She only has one name.
Them (to M): You didn't change it?
Blargh! First, why the heck do you care, anyway? And what's a "Muslim" name? You mean Arabic or Urdu name. And you read that right folks, they were asking M if HE had changed my name, as if he could, or should, or whatever. Also, it doesn't always end there, and they go on and on and ON, even trying to convince me/us that it really is required that I change my name. Or giving suggestions. My head explodes if I think about that too much.
One of the worst things is that these conversations always happen in front of my in-laws; just a little salt in their old wounds. Like, SEE! We told! They're gracious, though, and have begun to get annoyed at it too, even joining in my complaints about these inquiries sometimes.
What do these people care, anyway?
10 comments:
hahaha! I didn't convert and they still wanted to rename me. . .apparently my very common name is just too difficult for them to pronounce. They seem to be doing all right now. They finally stopped referring to me as 'gori' (most of the time) and are now using 'beti.' That took a LOOOOOOONG time though.
Salaam. I came across your blog a little while ago and really enjoy it! I had a name-change issue with my ILs too. We are still working it out. Anyway, I really just wanted to say 'Hi'.
Well I did change my name. Very occasionally I will meet some Auntie (not always desi) who says "Fatima doesn't suit you, how about Jinaan" or something. You know, since I changed my name once, so I can just flippantly change my name whenever I want, I guess. And then there are the nosy buggers who are desparate to know my given name...which is absolutely not a secret, but they act like it is. My annoying SIL tried to call me my given name after she heard my mother using it. That irritated me. I feel you should call people what they want to be called. Some people just don't get it.
In some Urdu speaking communities, it was common to change a bahu's name when she joined the family. That is still done sometimes in Hyderabad. In my IL's family that hasn't been done since the generation before my IL's got married. So maybe there is some cultural element there that makes it seem okay to them to change a bahu's name.
Good for you! I had come up with a name when I converted but then didn't use it because I liked the name my parents had picked for me and what an insult it would be to them. Later, my inlaws asked my husbnand if I had picked a "Muslim" name and he told them what I picked but that I didn't use it. Then my SIL sent me an email using the WRONG NAME! So when I responded I nicely told her that wasn't the name I had picked and that I don't want any other name used but my name given to me by my parents as it would be a big insult to them. Closed that little issue right down.
Ack! I don't like it when people go on asking me why I didn't change my name only because my name isn't Arabic. 1st of all not everything Arab=Islam.
As far as I know, the only reason a person should changer their name is if the birth name goes against Islam. If your name is Lakshmi (names of dieties).
Here's a good fatwa to read on the subject. I think it's good to be well educated on these topics as a revert so I can speak up on it when born Muslims ask me or tell me about things.
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/Satellite?pagename=IslamOnline-English-Ask_Scholar/FatwaE/FatwaE&cid=1119503544938
I think this is a sore subject for all of us. They wanted to call me all sorts of strange "old lady" names. I won't say what they were because I don't want to offend. Lately... my mil is calling me Fatima. But she calls ppl whatever the hell she wants half the time anyway. lol Everyone else calls me Jaseena. By everyone else I mean dh's aunt that lives across the street and dh's parents. I cringe every freaking time and yes just like you if I think about it too much my head will explode. What is funny though.. is dh's grandfather calls me Jessica because he thinks my name is Jessi.. so must be short for Jessica. No matter how many times he is corrected he will still say Jessica. lol When I am introduced to ppl I always make sure and say my name is Jaycie.. and that is what I should be called. Thank you very much.
http://www.30-days.net/reveal/namethem/
Anonymous - the link you provided starts off with "An individual’s name is related to his family and cultural heritage. It is a significant part of one’s identity."
Of course my birth name is a significant part of my identity, tied with my family and cultural heritage. I wholeheartedly agree, and I'm glad you are so supportive of my position!
With me, it's the opposite... "What's her name?" "Name." "No but what's her ENGLISH name?" Aaaargh, WHY would I have one?! LOL
dear god. i am making my fiance read this ASAP! i feel the same way! it's my name! it's who i am! i'm not changing it! besides insulting me, it insults my parents.
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