I have this weird Catch-22 in my head.
Sometimes, I'm a party to conversations in Urdu. I do understand a lot of the conversations, but throw in one difficult vocabulary word or some of those "bonus words" that I have trouble with, and all of a sudden I'm completely lost. I hate this. Actually, it doesn't only happen in Urdu. Sometimes a desi friend or family member will be speaking in English and mention something that I have no idea about. If the conversation is very fast, I might not have a chance to inquire about what it was. M is a really great translator for me, and he often knows when I've missed some important part of a conversation and can clue me in, but M is not always around, either. While it's an understandable part of living a multicultural life, it can get annoying to feel like you don't know what's going on.
The reverse of this is even more difficult to explain. Sometimes people assume I DON'T know things that I do know, and THAT gets annoying too. I know, you're all like "What? Woman - pick a side!" but it's difficult to explain. (LuckyFatima does a better job of it in a post she wrote about the same thing.)
An example, perhaps: Once, the wife of a very close friend was asking about my cooking. She said that she really needed to get a daal recipe from me.
So I said, "Oh, you know, daal is one of the easiest things to cook, I think. The one we're eating now is just a cup of Masoor daal, a half cup of Moong---"
and then she cut me off "You know what Masoor daal is?" She asked, giggling.
OF COURSE I know what masoor daal is! Why are you asking me for a daal recipe if you think I have no idea that there are different kinds of daal? (LF - why is it always daal!!)
Another example: another friend of M's was visiting and talking about his family; something about his older cousin and his older cousin's wife, who he called Bhabhi. Then he told me that Bhabhi meant sister-in-law. I said "I know what Bhabhi means. I AM a Bhabhi! I married the oldest son - EVERYONE calls me Bhabhi!" He was offended by that.
I know this is inconsistent. How can I be upset when people assume I know TOO much, and also be upset when people assume I DON'T know certain things? And how the heck is anyone supposed to know what I do or do not know about desi culture? Well, I don't really know how to explain it either. I will say that the examples I gave above were all about people who should know me very well, and therefore should have know that I'd know these kind of pretty basic things.
I did meet one woman at a party for the first time once; I had been to her wedding as a guest of the groom, but she'd been too busy to do more than meet & greet. At this party, I finally got the chance to really talk to her, and I complimented her on the beautiful wedding. She said that it was actually more of a Valima function (a post-wedding celebration) and proceeded to explain what a Valima was. I wasn't upset at all because how was this girl supposed to know that I would know what a Valima is? In that kind of situation, I was actually appreciative that she would try to make sure that I was up to speed. I guess what I'm really trying to explain is that if you KNOW me, and know me well, you should not underestimate what I do know, and if you don't know me, you should not overestimate what I know. Not that you have any responsibility to me at all one way or another. Just a courtesy tip.
12 comments:
I can realate to your posts. Honestly, a lot of people don't care if you're white or not they just assume ALL americans don't know anything. I was born and raised here, but after I got married in Pakistan people seemed like I didn't know much. People were surprised I knew how to cook, read namaz, wore salwar kameez only, etc. They think because we grow up away from Pakistan it means we don't know anything. Now I know you didn't grow up there, but it doesn't mean you aren't educated! It's obvious you have taken your husbands culture very seriously because you know it is a part of your marriage and people should give you the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is clueless!! Have you ever gotten mad at people because they think you don't know anything? Has there ever been conflict?
Oh and one more thing. I STILL get confused between all the daals. Sometimes I forget which is which and I usually say the green one, black one, orange one! Actually know that I think about it I was talking to my grandmother and she was telling me she made the black eyed peas but she was speaking in Punjabi but then she translated in English like I didn't know what she was talking about. Suprisingly I did!
Yep, I have learned to just stay quiet at these times. I mean, they have never met people quite like us before, so they don't know where to place us. Gori, desi, gresi, dori.
Oh and Mrs. H, that is my favorite: I have been Muslim for 12 years or so and occasionally people will ask: Do you know how to pray? Have you read the Quran?
I just say yes and *cheese* smile away.
While it drives me crazy when people make assumptions about my intelligence based on my facility with the language (for me it's English/Portuguese), there's nothing more satisfying than a single well placed (okay, usually a little sarcastic) phrase in the 'other' language when no one is expecting it! I find it helpful to remember that only you own your intelligence and experience--it doesn't really matter when someone else thinks--that doesn't change who you are.
i dont think its gotta do with whether you are a pakistani or not. ppl just make assumptions: oh she has studied in convent, she must be arrogant. arey, she wears a scarf, she must be a mullani. she travels so much, she must be too independent and so on so forth
come and choose an award! http://o0ummhasan0o.blogspot.com/2009/02/companions-award-tag-check-in-here.html
Hey, you have an interesting blog. I would love to see a photo of you and M :-)
I get this too, which doesn't irritate me that much on the desi/cultural side. It really irritates me on the religious side of things. People ask me the stupidest things, not just about praying. Like they assume because I am a convert (been a convert for almost 7 years), I must not know the most basic things. Like recently I was talking to a lady at the masjid and she asked what my son's name was. When I told her, she said, oh, did you know that is the name of a prophet in Islam too? Gee really, no I didn't. I just picked a name out of the bible, what an amazing coincidence that it happens to be in the Qur'an too! (I even pronounced the name in the Arabic way, as opposed to English!) Arrrrgh.
The use of the word has probably come from fixation of our pakistani's populace on all things bollywood/india.
A number of years ago bhabhi's were referred to as baji's.
http://jjutol.blogspot.com/
One time I was checking out a vendor at a mall and remarking that his jade jewelry was really pretty and he was shocked that an American knows what jade is. I was offended, to be honest.
I'm a convert to Islam and one time a woman was asking me about my conversion and during the conversation, she used the word "Allah". She stopped herself and asked me if I knew what that word meant!
Low expectations, huh?!
I get the questions all the time ... I guess it is more a sad commentary on America's image abroad than anything else.
"Can you eat Chinese food?"
"Can you use chopsticks?"
"Are you accustomed to China?"
I mean, really? I haven't starved yet and I'm still here, so what do you think? Do they honestly expect me to say "gosh, now that I think of it, I kind of hate Chinese food, I can't use chopsticks, and I'm not terribly fond of the country either ... in fact, what AM I doing here?"
As for the language ... its funny, I speak pretty fluent Chinese. My major was Asian studies. I'm a relatively well educated, well read person. And yet my colleage was completely blown away that I knew what the Cultural Revolution was, and knew how to say it in Chinese. Maybe that's understandable, as most Chinese people can't really imagine why an American would study their history. But then I'll get into a cab, tell the cab driver my address and he'll go "wow, your Chinese is awesome!" I'll say "not really. I only told you my address. It would be pretty sad if, after six years, I couldn't even do that, wouldn't it?" and he'll say again "Its just great. Your Chinese is great!"
Don't even get me started on the woman who insisted that my husband must be my translator. I actually wrote up a whole post on my blog about that one.
Low expectations indeed!
I'm constantly terrorizing the Pakistanis I meet at work. The older ones love to hear that I have a pakistani husband, while the younger ones roll their eyes at my "attempt to identify." I met a girl named Subramaniam and got to talking with her, forget about what, and she suddenly says, "I know what you mean. People often assume I'm Indian." She looks at her friend, who awkwardly affirms. DUH, girl. You are Indian, even if you are also American. But then, she's probably busy trying to convince herself that her parents aren't in her life like termites. I don't know if I'm a Lucky American or not, with my parents just saying "...okay..." no matter what I tell them. Oh, and HI there, Lucky Fatima! I know you from one or two places...;)
Post a Comment