Or or: No, sir, these are NOT my belongings in this bag
I don't have much insight as to how or why this custom began. But when M and I are traveling to Pakistan, we load up with gifts for every conceivable family member. The first time we went, we took 5 full-size suitcases. We were each allowed 2 bags that had to weigh 72 pounds or less, and we paid for an extra bag as well. I kid you not, dear readers, less than 1/2 of ONE of those bags actually contained things for us. (We both only brought a few items of clothes because we expected to buy some when we got there, and only essential toiletries that wouldn't have been available there.) That is 4.5 suitcases full of gifts. 324 Pounds of American crap.
And yes, it was crap. I hadn't honed my gift-shopping-for-Pakistanis yet, so I mostly just followed M's lead. We brought candy & chocolate for everyone, shampoos and lotions. We brought sweaters for every aunty and jewelry for every close female family member.
These things may sound like okay gifts, but they're actually not: western candy & chocolate are available there at a similar price, shampoos and lotions are similarly available and terribly space inefficient - they weigh so much and take so much of your luggage weight limits, but you can't really split a bottle between two people ("Here Khala (maternal aunt), this bottle of lotion is for you. Well, the top half, anyway. When you're done give it to Mami (paternal aunt-in-law.") Sweaters seem to be the ubiquitous gift so everyone's already got a boatload of 'em, and American style jewelry is so different in style and expensive that a $50 or $100 necklace bought in America looks pretty cheap in Pakistan. The rest of the bags were full of various dollar store finds.
The next time we went I had better ideas. I spent the interim two years scouring various clearance and sale racks for the one or two great items that somehow make it to clearance. Instead of lotions, I though of a great idea - purses! We got a purse for every Khala and Mami and Bhabhi [and two for Ammi ;)]. It was a big hit. It wasn't something that was really available in Pakistan, and you can get nice purses pretty cheap at places like Target & Burlington Coat Factory, especially if you have a year and a half to wait and pounce on sales & clearance.
I also took some nicer facial moisturizers and soaps instead of big bottles of crappy lotion, I took candies that the kids would have never tasted rather than the ever-common Kit Kat & Almond Joy. (Those fireballs and lots of sour stuff. Nerds.) I found these great mini flashlights and switchblades and mini-Leathermans-like tools to give to some of the guys. (After Christmas sales are great for these kind of things. They'll be 1/2 off or more for a few days!) I even found some beautiful picture frames and put in pictures of our family.
One of the bigger ticket items M bought for his parents this last time was one of those digital picture frames. He set it up so that it cycles through pictures of our (very very cute) son, and he even taught them how to add new pictures as he gets older(slash cuter.) They love it and everyone who visits the house loves it to.
The first person to go abroad in M's family was a female cousin, and when she came back she had all sorts of American products that she gave to everyone. Candies & hair care products, bath puffs and dish scrubbers. Actually, it even goes farther back than that - M's uncle worked in Saudi Arabia most of his adult life and would always bring back clothes for his sisters, books for his nieces & nephews, and even a bicycle once.
Sometimes, though it can seem like people expect you to bring them things. Rather than gifts they're just disappointed you didn't bring more. One cousin, who is one of M's favorite and therefore gets better gifts than other people - got one of those great hand-crank flashlights last time and he looked at it and said "Hey, bring me a Blackberry next time."
But I do really like bringing gifts. Ammi has come to visit us a few times by herself and when she goes back, I try to fill her bags with great American products that could improve her life or make some chore easier, and stop her from taking only things to give out to other family members. Over three trips we've been able to outfit her with a full set of really high-quality nonstick pots and pans. Somewhere in Karachi, in an outdoor kitchen attached to government housing, are all these crazy-expensive pots & pans. Cracks me up.
Other successes: fake silk flowers, foodstuffs other than candy like gatorade powder, Pringles, cookies, and nuts - even Hershey's syrup (although we're getting into the inefficient for space/weight shampoo issue there). Oddly enough, hairbrushes were a hit one year. I found a great place in America called Ulta that a couple of times a year offers those makeup kits that have some of everything. Usually less than $20 and pretty good quality, too.
But now I'm at the end of my rope. I try to think of new and interesting things to bring with me, but all I see is more of the same. What about you, dear readers - what have your experiences with the bringing of gifts? Any good ideas of what to take next time (or what not to, as the case may be.)
(And let's NOT discuss the stupidity of shopping discount for almost two years just to add $100 extra-luggage fees to those prices when you go to pack...mmmkay?)
35 comments:
Well, I'm heading to meet the in-laws for the very first time in a week and a half, and the gift-buying is definitely in full swing here. So far we've gotten a laptop for his dad, which is probably a pretty good idea, and a pashmina for his mom, which may be like taking tea to China, I don't know. He wants to get a "year's supply" of body butter for his sister (don't panic, apparently to him a "year's supply" is two jars) and he wants to get the Victoria's Secret stuff. I'm wearing him down to go for something higher quality ;). I'm also trying to convince him that we should get them some nice knives as from what he says that's in short supply there.
Yeah, computers and cameras are always coming with us too; in the beginning we would buy new cameras for us and give the old ones to them, but these gadgets are so cheap now and they get so much technology in Pakistan that our outdated computers & cameras no longer cut it. I also got some Victoria's Secret stuff for my sister-in-law. Really, in Pakistan the quality of undergarments is a joke. All there is is 80's style Playtex-bras-in-a-box, so Victoria's Secret is already exponentially better quality. (I must remember to write about taking my poor Pakistani mother in law into a Victoria's Secret one time. Fun times.)
Knives is a good idea, but it's never fun to travel with a Pakistani who packs knives in his luggage. Can you say "randomly selected for further screening?"
From the US I bring purses (done that more than once) and pocketbooks, photo albums, picture frames, jewellery boxes, and other items that are available in PK but often of inferior quality or if they are nice are very expensive.
From Dubai I bring stuff that is considered luxurious in PK and is of a high quality from nearby places, Iranian and Turkish nuts, dried fruit, and saffron.
This year I am bringing Gujarati hand block print vegetable dye 3 piece suits for MIL and the SILs because Indian stuff is unique for them but widely available in Dubai.
My ILs like to eat int'l foods so I have also brought items that are there in PK in like in KHI in Paradise or Aghas, but are very expensive by local standards, like a bottle of herbs de provence, Thai curry paste, good olive oil, etc.
MY SILs do appreciate artificial costume jewellery in Western designs so I have also brought Red Apple Sale, Burlington, etc. sets. I don't think most PK women would like that stuff though because real gold has a high cultural value.
I also bring some convenience goods for MIL like ziplock baggies and orthopedic shoes.
Thank God we only have to shop for the immediate ILs, not the whole khaandaan because everyone has someone abroad! But I will also bring some baby clothes for some new arrivals of the cousins.
Gifts for cousins and aunts? Why?
Well, by Victoria's Secret I actually meant the Victoria's Secret body lotions. I don't think my fiance's family is the type where a son can buy underwear for the women in the family and I don't know them yet ;)
As to knives, yeah, definitely going in my bag. He's not Pakistani but Indian, but you never know about these "random" checks.
u can bring gift those thingsare not available in pakistan but i think every thing is available there :)
so i m call to friend and family what u need tell me? and if you say nothing then i say ok don't blame i will be there without anything lol
Khalid Mahmood
There's a thread about this topic at the IndianTies forum. I'm not sure what the consumer situation is in Pakistan, but it's becoming more and more difficult to find products in the US that you can't find in India - although income differentials and import tax sometimes mean that those products are still a good present (like Western baby things like monitors or swings - you can find them in Indian cities but they're very expensive).
Personally, I like to bring items that are related to the area we live in (like coffee table books or food) or things purchased from novelty stores or Etsy . I'm also a big book person - yes, they have books in South Asia, but books like classical American literature aren't well known. I give all of my family in the US books as gifts too. :-P
I totally understand that issue. As I told you in another comment, I went to Pakistan in October but my mother-in-law died before I got there. But before she passed I had planned on getting things for her and her sister. Purses were one thing I got, along with some pajama pants for the men (the plaid ones- $10 at target) and food also. Because Ummi was diabetic I did get her sugar free pudding and cookies. I also brought the body wash, shampoo etc also. It just gets harder and harder, but not just for Pakistan its the same issue with my family in England. My husband and I both have so many family members there tat sending stuff just gets so tediuous. When my dad went last year I sent slippers for my SIL that had sequins on them along with bracelets. Typical stuff, but something I know she wouldn't buy for herself. Have you ever seen the "chinese slippers"? They are slip on slippers that are made of a netting material and have flowers made of sequins on them. They are common here in NY and you can get them for $5 I think. Cheap dressy slippers are a good idea.
We still bring gifts for aunties and cousins in part because M's family is not the type where everyone's already got a family member abroad and already has their own direct link to ziploc bags. Also, M's parents are alone there - all of their children have deserted them, which is fairly uncommon for families of his economic/class standing, so we feel immense gratitude for the rest of the family and even neighbors who are picking up the slack and providing Ammi & Abbu with social and familial support. (The neighbor boys always come over to check on then and help with computer issues and even removing water when it floods, and I can only say thank you so much before Pakistanis start to get uncomfortable, so I make sure to bring them copious gifts.
Thanks everyone for the ideas and the forum link. I'm still going to keep searching for something new and cool that will wow everyone!
My ummi and uboo were left alone also for about a year and a half before ummi died. The two sons are here in America (one is married to me, the other one married to my sister) and the daughter is in England. Now uboo is alone in Pakistan. How did you get your MIL to come to America? Visitors visa?
Ammi & Abbu got visit visas 5 years ago on the basis of M's Ph.D. graduation. I've only ever heard of 1 person who was graduating with a Ph.D. whose parents visit visa application was rejected. They were already coming for that, so we just held out wedding at the same time. They got 5-year multiple entry visas, so Ammi came back to visit two more times since then. Once just to visit, she stayed for four months, and then when our son was born. (Actually my SIL was also pregnant, so she got to see both babies born.) Ammi flew all by herself the next two times because my FIL has refused to come back. He hates traveling and being out of his element and dependent on his kids for translation/direction/etc. Ammi can't really speak any English, and she did great both times. First we just had her take a direct PIA Karachi-JFK flight and drove all the way to NYC to pick her up in person. Next time we even had her connect from JFK to where we are. She's amazing!
I've been married 11 years and have taken gifts back to my in-laws in India from wherever we've lived: the US, Japan, the UK or Singapore.
But, as the years go by we take less and end up buying things in India that they want. People aren't as adventurous in trying different foods now (a cousin tried to give us back a Singaporean sweet which they didn't like :(
My mother in law likes anything that she can use in the house- small scrub brushes, durable floor mats, etc. We bought a microwave and a new style pressure cooker for her this time. Next time we hope to replace the ancient bed (though they prefer to sleep on the floor).
It is fun to plan gifts for everyone, but I find that if it is some new type of gadget, you have to show them how to use it many times and get them interested in it.
When I was first married, they found it strange that I preferred to chop vegetables on a chopping board, while they used a knife in hand at all times. 11 years later and they are using chopping boards (not due to me, but due to the 'fashion' in India).
My SILs get miffed if I suggest anything is not available in Pakistan. THEY can complain that something is not available. If I say it is not available, they insist it is. But like I said, me bringing a packet of Thai curry paste is special for them because that same paste costs 120 rupees at Aghas and that is relatively quite expensive in comparison to local food stuffs so even though one of my SILs likes to cook Thai, she probably would never have purchased that.
I'm a little late here, and a little out of my element, as I have no Pakistani relatives. However, my father's family is Dutch, and (believe it or not) didn't have some thing there that we have here in America. I know you mentioned Ziploc bags... those were always a hit with my family members. It's amazing how something so simple can make someone so happy. Also, one of my cousins really liked brownies, so we'd send her home with brownie mix and measuring cups/spoons (to go with the U.S. measurements on the package). Perhaps this is something your family would like? You could bring muffin tins, and muffin mixes, brownies mix, cake mix, etc. Again... love this blog!
HAHAHAH. Oh man this is great.
I think I read your blog once before..
Well Im Faique(fike) and Im from Pakistan, born in America and went to Pakistan last summer.
Haha six people in my family, we all went and we had 12 bags!!
Gifts for everybody!! Lol. Oh man your absolutely right, we got gifts for EVERYONE. and then we got candy for people and then we see the same candies and shampoo its like what the! there about the same price too!
and then when we came back we had lots of stuff too. btw, lots of fun!
Hope your trip was well....
-The Muslim Kid-
Gifts from Victoria's Secret is such a thoughtful idea.
Nice and durable sandals (chappals) are also much appreciated there.
I've been with my Pakistani guy for 11+ years and visited there quite a few times. The first time was for our wedding over there, and we had 7 suitcases between 4 people : )
We did the shampoo/lotion and candy stuff too (big waste of poundage - I agree). We also did a lot of perfume sets. Now if we get perfume or cologne sets we take them out of the boxes (I know, not as pretty) but it does save a little on the weight and our relatives don't seem to mind. It's better than someone else not getting anything.
I've sewed or hot glued small little bags out of nice fabric from a fabric store and put a nail polish along with a lipstick in for some cousins as a gift and tied it shut with a ribbon. That was a big hit.
Purses are always good. They've liked shoes too, but there's the weight thing again and they take up more space in your bag. You are right on with the bras and undies for the ladies (in a discreet bag of course). Do your relatives wrap all their stuff in plastic bags in their suitcases or is that just mine?
Kitchen stuff, scrubbers, etc... oh and empty small spray bottles. My MIL took 5 of them back with her. She always buys tons of cheaper watches for more distant male relatives/friends of the family too. It's funny, because my FIL and her fight about it every time they come. She has me stock up for her on the sly.
My mom gets economy sized jars of Nappy San or spray on starch on trips abroad.
Kitchen stuff is always a good idea.
I would love to have suggestions for what to give a young Pakistani man who is getting his master's degree here in the US. My husband and I have become good friends with him. He will be going on for his Ph.D. here in the states. I'd like to give him something special for graduation that he would want to keep, to express our affection and respect for him, but that would not be large (because he will be moving.) Would a very nice pen or a beautfully bound book be seen as appropriate? Thanks so much!
Deb - There are a couple of things that are very traditional gifts that are giving to a young Pakistani man upon certain rights of passage; much like in America, these include nice pens, desk sets, leather bound journals, Pakistani-style cuff links, watches and wallets. Unlike in America, these customs are so often done that the young man in question likely has several nice pens already, either with him or back home in Pakistan (assuming he's not American-born.) That's not to say that any of these wouldn't be appreciated, and I assure you that in my experience, Pakistanis rarely - if ever - throw anything away. I'd say check out his watch to see if he could use a nicer/newer one. Other than that, cool new gadgets are always appreciated (GPS, iPod, digital picture frame) and uniquely American things are cool, too (zippo lighters, a power drill, crank-powered flashlight or radio.) One of the coolest things I like to get for gifts are "experiences" - something completely foreign to the Pakistani gift-giving spectrum. A hot air balloon ride or a dinner cruise. You can get an introductory private pilot class for around $60-70 where they give you a tour of a small flight school and take you up in a small plane for 30 minutes and you get to actually control the plane on takeoff, radio the control tower, etc. Just call a small regional airport and ask about flight schools in the area or intro pilot license classes.
If none of these work, or if you're still looking for something more Pakistani-style, you could give me more info I could probably tailor my advice a little better. Do you know if he's from a poor family or a well-off family? Did he recently come to America? What's field are the degrees in?
Good luck!
Thank you for your suggestions! His family are, I believe, educators. His master's degree is in biostatistics and he will pursue his Ph.D. in that as well. I believe these last two years for his master's degree are all the time he has spent in the US. I am thinking that maybe a nice leather-covered tablet cover, like executives carry to meetings, would work. Your other ideas are creative and interesting and I will consider those. I really appreciate your prompt, gracious reply.
I will echo the ziploc bags being a big hit! I also usually get a bunch of the different flavored chapstick type things for girls (light, small, easy to pack!) and tons of inexpensive stickers for kids.
Perfume also seems to be a huge hit, along with silk flowers, potpourri, and scented tea lights and candles. Also spoon rests for some reason seem to be popular!
We've also brought those super soft baby blankets in the past, apparently they are hard to get (at least in southern India).
For somebody you'd like to get a more significant item, I found that small Swarovski knick knack items seemed to be appreciated. We've also done the digital frames.
Also, TJ Maxx, Burlington coat factory etc. usually are a good source for us to get inexpensive baseball caps, logo t shirts (with sports teams, schools, etc.), and watches. I usually just grab armloads of what's on sale in a variety of sizes.
I may be speaking only for myself but one thing I was not prepared for is that you're not neccessarily even sure who you're shopping for, so next time I'm not going to worry as much about trying to pick stuff out for specific individuals for the most part - I didn't really distribute most of the gifts we brought; my MIL took the stuff and then she gave it out to people that she chose.
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Sending gifts to your loved ones on different occasions is a tradition and it is way to express your love to them. This website is providing very affordable gift offerings.
I am preparing to send a package to my Pakistani inlaws, and your blog helped a lot! I too am a white girl married to a paki guy. I'd love to get to know you better and compare notes on this unique situation. You can email me at velvetautumn@yahoo.com. I am on Facebook too. Thanks :)
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I'm going to Pakistan soon...just wondering if these gift ideas are still pretty current, 2011 (I see this was authored 2 years ago). Are ziploc bags still a good choice? What style purses do you buy for Pakistani girls?
"Gori Wife" eh?
My wife gets a little sensitive when I call her that :)
Also, this will be our first time going back to Pakistan after 4 years. I met my wife in college, got married, have a beautiful daughter, got disowned by my family for marrying a white, Catholic girl without converting her, dealt with that crap for a couple of years and now things have settled down and replaced with longing to see us all again.
Bottom line, we are going to Karachi in the next 3 months. I remember all my aunts and uncles always got us stuff whenever they would visit from Dubai or Saudi Arabia and I feel I need to do something myself.
My wife is going for her doctorate and I am looking for a job so needless to say we are not well off. We are in the process of transition and expansion and don't have a lot of money to blow on things outside our budget...but you probably know how it is after you went to Karachi with family and gifts.
Spending Christmases with my in-laws, I have always enjoyed the gift-exchange they do where everyone contributes a present and take turn to either keep the present they got the number for or steal it from the other with the lower number. A lot of fun.
So I was thinking maybe I will take gifts for all the younger kids in our family and extended family because I don't really care for my aunts and uncles and believe that kids appreciate a gift way more than a snotty aunt for who nothing is ever good enough.
After I came with that plan, I came up with a number. 30 gifts. I am planning on getting 30 gifts that I will gift wrap and have all the kids do the gift exchange. Obviously, these gifts do not include the laptop I plan to get from Best Buy over Black Friday, an ipod touch, digital camera, a guitar for my siblings and perfume for my mom. Just close family is going to cost us around $600-700.
Did I mention the ticket for all three of us will be around $5000?
So with our solid expenses calculated, I figured I can spend $10-$15 each on those 30 presents for the gift exchange.
So far this is what i have bought or plan to:
Board Games> Cranium/ Scattergories/ Apples to Apples/Risk (Lord of the Rings edition)...all of these are board games I love and want to share with people but I don't know if these will be appreciated.
Legos> Pirates/Harry Potter/Alien Invasion...got a good deal from Toys'R'Us.
Crayola>3D Markers/Chalks/Paint it yourself bowl set...again, no clue if any of this will be appreciated.
Outside the immediate family, no one reads books which is really sad. I have mailed in the past and will be taking enough books for my siblings back home ranging from the complete Sherlock Holmes to The Sandman graphic novels but it is depressing that none of my cousins are into reading :( i scored some really cool books in excellent condition from Goodwill the other day (Jon Stewart's "Earth" and some Calvin & Hobbs) but I would rather keep it for myself and cherish it than giving it to a family back home who use them as tea coasters.
Do you have any other ideas for gifts that are not too expensive and flashy but have some weight to it?
The gift, to be true, must be the flowing of the giver unto me, correspondent to my flowing unto him.
Gifts To Pakistan
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