But we kinda do this for another reason, too. Sometimes it seems like M's simple, immigrant parents would not understand certain things, or would have unnecessary bad reactions. One example was my homosexual male college roommate. I introduced him as my friend. It just seemed like they didn't need to know I'd lived with another man for years, or that he was gay. Giving them more accurate information would have resulted in unnecessary conversations about unimportant things. Unimportant to them, at least. And I wouldn't want them thinking less of my friend - or of me - so it just seemed better to leave the subject alone.
Because we've often felt like much of the world is adverse to our relationship, this glossing-over of any of my flaws applies to everyone - not just M's parents. I wrote before about how some of M's friends were openly hostile to our relationship and subsequent marriage. Perhaps this whole practice was borne in that situation, when poor M just wanted his friend's acceptance and tried to convince them how great I was - tell them the good things about her, leave out the bad.
We've been married for over five years now, and the practice hasn't stopped. His parents and close friends know me as a separate person now, so really there's no need for it anymore. Except that to some extent we still feel like we're trying to convince the world - probably M more that I. The practical result of this is that M has never had and outlet to complain about his wife. He has no one he can go to and say "She is driving me CRAZY!"
He wouldn't tell his parents. He doesn't want them thinking - even for a minute and even after five years of marriage - that perhaps this was a bad decision. He doesn't feel like he can tell his friends. For those who opposed him, he also doesn't want them to think maybe they were right. For those who didn't oppose him, there's still a lingering concern that "love marriages" are suspect, or that American girls don't make good wives - and M doesn't want to bolster anyone's idiotic thinking. So he really has no one.
I, on the other hand, have a whole slew of support people in my life. Friends and family, especially my mom - I have lots of people to talk to if I'm upset or hurt, or just unsure. It's not really complaining - sometimes people just need to talk through any issues with a neutral third party - or just vent a little. It's healthy, I think. I can't imagine feeling like you have NO ONE to talk to.
One day I told M I'd been complaining to my mom about him and he brought up the fact that he didn't have anyone to complain about me to. (We'd always known about the hide-her-flaws-thing, but that was the first time we realized the no-one-to-complain-to-thing.) So I suggested he call MY mother to complain about me. After all, she certainly knows about all my bad character traits. He never has. I also have suggested many times that he should complain to The Friend I told you about earlier - he's also marrying a white girl this year, he probably feels the same way! So far, it hasn't happened, but I think I'll bring it up in front of The Friend when I see him next.
How terrible is it that I have to find someone to hear complaints about me?
5 comments:
hi, i get exactly what you mean, about keeping your flaws away from his family who might not understand/or even hold it against you. I am english and my hubby is Iraqi, at first my husbands relatives believed all the stero types of western women! grrhhh drives me mad really. like you 5 years later we are very happy together and have worked hard on our marriage to understand each others cultural differences, aside from religion this is a good area we are both muslim. But your right that also my hubby does not talk to his family or close freinds about our marriage in the least... and when we get on each others nerves, i do worry he keeps it to himself, so i guess thats why we always come back to each other. Even if we do have cross words with each other, i think we would rather chew our arms off than talk outside of the situation out of feeling protective to our situation.
wait, the homosexual friend is marrying a girl? wow, huge change! it was really cute of you to suggest your mother, btw.
Hi great post lady. My wife is also from another part of India and i know what you mean.
Gosh, I totally relate to this and I know my bf Sun would relate to it too. I have tons of people to gripe to when he gets under my skin (as 2 ppl in close quarters are wont to do!) but the poor guy doesn't have anyone to confide in. Sometimes being in these intercultural relationships is very lonely - all the more reason I'm happy to have stumbled upon your blog.
u know Gori Wife...It's not just true for white-brown relationships...My boyfriend and I are both indians in India...our families have been best friends for decades, literally. But he and I were never friends, he was always too shy to talk to anyone, let alone girls. We became friends when we were in college, in different parts of India, we fell in love and decided we wanted to spend our lives together, of course we are waiting for another 3-4yrs before we marry [career reasons.] and we have to work so so so hard at keeping a united front, in front of ppl. We can't let anyone, especially our families get wind of any trouble. Not just us, its that way with any couple going for a love marriage. We keep to ourselves because more often than not, other people are more than happy to see others fight, disagree even break up.
Of course in ur case, the situation is even more complicated.
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