Physical Affection

M is not big on physical affection. I'm not sure if it's a truly desi thing, or if it's just an "M's family" thing, but he didn't get a lot of hugs growing up. He doesn't think he's hugged his parents since he was 6 or so. He's sure he hasn't hugged his mother or sister since he was about that age. Cross-gender physical affection just isn't the norm, and parental affection isn't really either. (Of course, I don't mean to generalize. Lots of desi families do things differently, and one of M's uncles is known as a big hugger to all his kids. Your desi family situation may vary!)

I remember the first time M and I hugged, he was shaking afterwards. He seemed to go on a physical affection spree after that, but now after 5 years of marriage, he's gotten back into his old rut, and it's a struggle to remind him that why yes, I do still enjoy a hug or a foot rub or a head pat. 

In M's family it's the same way. No one hugs or kisses. When I'm in Pakistan it's rare to see and cross-gender physical affection of any kind. Husbands and wives do not hold hands. Even women on the back of motorcycles don't make physical contact with the (usually) male driver. Women hug and kiss each other on the cheek. Men touch other men - boys (even teenage boys and sometimes grown men) will put their arms around each other's shoulders and even hold hands. While I do think there is generally less physical affection across the board in Pakistani culture, the most striking thing is that the sources of physical affection are opposite to my culture. In America boys and men generally shy away from physical affection with other men at all costs.

All these observations aside, I have one funny anecdote. After we were married, my in-laws stayed with us in our tiny apartment for 52 days. M went to work as usual and it was my job to entertain them. We got quite close in that time. That was when I got my first head pats - when older Pakistanis want to show approval, or sometimes when they're saying hello or goodbye, they give you a nice pat on the head. It may sound strange, but it's actually quite nice. I got head pats for hellos and goodbyes, upon the completion of our nikah (wedding) documents, and also when some particularly good test results of mine came out. I became fairly adept at the whole bend-you-head-ever-so-slightly at the initiation of a head-pattable event. 

I wouldn't want to say I was happy to see my in-laws at the airport about to board their plane home. I really had enjoyed their company and getting to know them, but I was also eager to settle into my new married life and spend some time alone with my new husband  - without my in-laws somewhere else in our tiny, tiny, tiny one bedroom (which we gave to them and slept in the living room) apartment. But even though I was looking forward to this, I was still crying at the airport when they were leaving. What can I say, I'm very emotional. So I say goodbye to Ammi, hug hug, kiss kiss. And then, in my emotional haze, I hugged my father in law! I HUGGED HIM! He probably hadn't hugged another female other than his wife and his daughter (but only when she was young, probably!) and here I was attacking the man!

Luckily it was over in a quick second, and I've always been able to keep my wits about me since. But, still....embarrassing!

Edited to add: You can see pictures of the kinds of male physical affection I was talking about here, here, here, here, here, and here. And you can go your own flickr or google search of "men holding hands pakistan/india."