But the worst WORST part about not knowing any half-Pakistani/half-Caucasian couples to commiserate with was the children. Or lack thereof. My aunt, who has a different flavor of intercultural marriage (her husband is second generation Chinese-American), once told me about how she and her newly-wed husband would elbow each other every time they saw half Chinese/ half American couples at the mall with children. They would say to each other, "maybe that's what our children will look like!"
I don't know about you, but I see a lot of Chinese-American couples in the world. Not so much with the desi guy/ non-desi girl pairing . So I never got to elbow-nudge M and say - Look over there! that kid right there - maybe one day we'll have a child that looks like that! When I was pregnant, this was torturous - I just wanted to seeeeeeeee the baby, already! But it hasn't stopped since our son was born. He looks different today than when he was born. He was darker skinned when he was born, with a head full of dark, dark hair. Now his skin is the exact midpoint between M and I, but his hair is even lighter than mine. And my frame of reference for adha-desi kids is only his lifespan, with a sample size of ONE! I have no where to let my mind wander about what how he might change. Our African American neighbor said her children's skin got darker when they grew up, but M's mom says his skin got lighter. My own brother's hair got much darker as he grew, but my son's hair has lightened.
I know it's insignificant. Believe me, I am much more worried about what kind of person he'll change into than whether his hair will look like his father's when he's an adult. It just seems like such a cute newlywed thing to have missed out on - that elbow nudging...
6 comments:
Assalaam Aleikum
You know I mentioned something about this gori wife aloneness in the e-mail I wrote to respond to you but my mail is for some bizarre reason not working right now, argh! anyway, it is in the pipelines!
As far as being the best mom to your biracial, bicultural kids as a white woman, I simply have this advice: you need to learn about the issue of white privilege and the anti-racism movement. You need to read books about it (there are many, academic and also more accesible to common folk) and be on the net about it (there is a lot out there, antiracistparent or racialicious.com is one). Because too many white moms of kids of color are totally clueless (with a big WHITE question mark) about anything but the white experience (and there IS one, heard of beer-goggles, it is like white-goggles) and have no idea what their kids of color will experience, or even acknowledge how being "of color" in a racist society will affect them. And believe me, being married to a person of color or having babies of color doesn't automatically make you more aware of the -of color experience in America. Some of the people I have met who are the most (subtly) racist, think they are exsempt from being white or having white privilege or being products of our very very racist American society because they have had relationships with men of color or have children of color. Sorry, we don't get a free pass, we MUST learn about the anti-racism movement to be the best moms we can as white people to brown kids. Another thing to do is to read the many narratives available in books and online about being mixed...these books and sites will come up if you take an interest in anti-racism anyway.
One thing about the issue of skin color and colorism is that as you know, there is a preference for light skin in the desi community, and also a facisnation with and exotification of mixed race children in America...if you get a chance to read about this stuff in anti-racist literature, the picture becomes much clearer as to why this thinking is actually harmful and part of over arching systems of white pirvilege and racism, both internationally and in the US. Remember, what people think is "beautiful" about being mixed is often a reflection of social preferences based on notions of white beauty to the detriment of brown features, etc.
I thought you might be interested to read this anti-racism oriented post on the blog Harlow's Monkey. It is 11 short and simple tips for white parents who have adopted children of a different race, but every tip except tip 10 and 11 equally applies to being a white birth parent of a child of color:
http://harlowmonkey.typepad.com/harlows_monkey/2007/09/parenting-tips-.html
I have read a bit about white privilege - in college in a "Philosophy of Race, Class & Gender" class and in graduate school in a seminar on disparate racial treatment in the American legal system - and then of course, more recently, in the series you wrote which I thought was really great. I hope you write more about that, too.
And thanks for the links! I had already been reading racialicious, but the not the others!
sorry to bombard u with links, but I just happened across this really good essay on bi-racial identity...thought i would post it here if you are interested:
http://www.womanist-musings.com/2009/01/negotiating-bi-racial-identity-in-white.html
Probably the Kali Wife syndrome is even worse.
I mean, how often do you see a desi with a spouse of African descent?
And how many Gori Wives or Gora Husbands would associate?
You state specifically that you are looking for other Gori wives to get your socio-cultural bonding groove on but why not look for Kali Wives married to desis as well?
The world does not revolve around white folk!
Ahhh... but then that leads to a commentary about desi prejudice against Africans I guess.
That's a whole pandora's box to open.
Have you ever wondered what would be M's parents' reactions if instead of opening up the email to see a pic of a gori they saw a pic of a kali?
I am really interested in the desi / African decent experience. Thanks for pointing out my exclusive language - I'll have to be more careful in the future to include relationships with all pardesis.
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