Is It Uninformed Parenting?

My son is 2. I'm still a novice, not just in my own parenting, but in my experience with parenting as desis see it or as it relates to desi communities. . (Or at least the teeny percentage of desis that make up M's family.) But perhaps you all can enlighten me as to whether this is an across-the-board kind of desi thing. 

What IS it with desis? It seems like no one is actively parenting their young children these days. Not that a lot of Americans are either. But there seems to be at least a parenting movement in America, or a new interest in parenting theories and books. Desi kids seem to be running amok everywhere - weddings, embassies, even the mosque! And no parents - not their own, not their grandparents, not even other parents - seem to be stopping them. It doesn't seem like anyone thinks these kids NEED to be stopped. Sometimes I've seen young children even encouraged to be hellions. Kids who are told "badmashi kero!" Once, when a 3-year old was banging on a glass table, I heard his grandfather said to him "Yeah! Break it, break it! We'll get a new table!" 

But then there's also this great imposition on desi mothers. They often shoulder all of the parenting responsibilities. I've heard some desi men boast about having never changed a diaper. In fact, one ten year old niece of M's was surprised to see M change a diaper one day and asked me "Uncle M changes diapers?" I didn't ask her, but it seemed like she'd never seen that happen before. And then there's the sleep thing. Most of the mothers of young children in M's family take their kids to sleep, and they pat them until they're sleeping. Sometimes for an hour or more. And she's just stuck in the room, a slave to the patting. 

Now, my kid is great. (All thanks to God.) He is well behaved and calm and quiet and the easiest kid to handle that you'll ever meet. He doesn't throw tantrums, is easily distracted and easily made happy. He eats well and he's not picky, and he sleeps well and falls asleep all by himself - no patting. He plays well with other kids and shares well, and he also plays well by himself. He just has the easiest, calmest temperament of any kid I've ever seen. (Alhumdililah!) I know that maybe ALL of that is just God's blessing, but I know that I have also educated myself on parenting issues so that I could help my son to become a good person, too. I read books about infant sleep before he was even born. I read books about childhood nutrition and the importance of schedules and consistency and father involvement. M and I have a game plan about what we think is the best way to parent our child(ren) and we stick to that ad are almost always on the same page. We are doing the best we can, and our son - I think - is evidence of that. 

I don't mean to say that parents of kids who are picky eaters or don't sleep well AREN'T good parents or aren't trying their best - many times that are. I think kids are born with all different kids of temperaments and struggle with different aspects of childhood. Some kids seem to struggle with everything, in fact. And as long as a parent is making informed decisions, I don't care WHAT they're doing. But I think parents should educate themselves and that decisions parents make really do make a difference in your children and in their lives and can have lasting impact - both good and bad.

The only theory I have is that M's family doesn't seem to think there really IS anything called parenting. M's family will talk about how easy/good/sweet/whatever my son is, and then chalk it up to him being born that way. Which: maybe. To an extent. And then there are kids who I am related to who are not that way. They still refuse to feed themselves at SIX, or still drink from a bottle at three, or still cry about having to take a bath at seven, or scream at the top of their lungs at parties - and no one says anything or even tries to calm the kid down. The parents complain about it, and then this kind of behavior is explained away, and they're not really interested in finding any solutions, as if no solutions really exist.

It's like they think you can't do any good or bad one way or the other. Parents of difficult children get all sympathy, no judgment, and not even any suggestions, and parents of really well behaved children get none of the glory. These things are somehow thought of as intrinsic to the kid, and it's not like anything you're doing is making any difference. So it seems like a lot of desi parents aren't even trying. 

Example: a woman relative of M's who we're pretty close to and see often. She complains about her daughter a lot, about how she won't eat except if she's forced to and even then, only if she's sitting in front of the TV with her favorite program on. Or how she refuses to sleep unless the mother sleeps right there next to her, and if she wakes up and the mother's left, throws a middle of the night tantrum. And then M - stupidly, I think - offers his suggestions. And it's all "hmms" and "theek hai" and the conversation just breaks down. It's like they don't even WANT to know there are alternative options out there?

M very negatively thinks that most desi parents are like this - that they someone check out of parenting until their children are adolescents and then they suddenly pull in the reigns. That until you reach a certain age you're allowed mostly freedom, but at some point a parent will expect near-perfection and hawkishly control an adolescent's life. I don' t know anything about that - my kid's just 2. That's the extent of my exposure to desi parenting. 

Well, this ended up soudning more judgmental than I meant it to. I don't mean to pass judgment on other parents. I think we all have our own struggles, and some kids are more challenging than others. Mostly I meant to ask you about this "kid's nature is intrinsic" thing - do you guys know many desis who hold this ideology?