The Importance of Shutting Up Sometimes.

We had some unexpected guests drop in for New Year's, and while at first I thought about blogging about the desi habit of dropping in for a visit completely unannounced, or perhaps the way that desi women come to visit but seem to spend the entire time in the kitchen...what I really started thinking about was my mother-in-law.

The reason for this is that the visitors were my husband's cousin, and his family, including his wife, children, and parents - who would be my husband's maternal uncle and his wife (his uncle is called his mama and his uncle's wife is called his mami.) This particular cousin was the first one in the family to marry an American. 

I often don't think that this girl and I are similar at all. She's Indian-American, and was raised Hindu. She converted to Islam before they were married, but while she's as American as I (no accent, knows the same slang, etc.) to some extent she still shares parts of desi culture. I don't think she's fluent in Hindi, but she understands more that I do, she knows a lot more of the movies/songs/whatever else. Also, she's not gori. My skin makes me stand out, it seems to make people think they already know who I must be.

But one thing in particular is very different between us - our introductions to the family were very different. Her mother-in-law, upon hearing that her son wanted to marry an American, was VERY upset. Unfortunately, she made her feelings known to the rest of the family. Probably to an extreme. I heard about how she'd even broken down crying at a family wedding because of the horror of marrying an American. And while I don't begrudge her the feelings of losing out on the expectations she had for her son's life, I think this was a terrible thing that has had repercussions on their lives.

My own mother-in-law was also not very happy to hear about me. The reasons for that a varied and should probably be their own post. But. She kept her feelings to herself. I've since learned that she cried at home, was upset for a day, even tried to talk him out of it. But within 24 hours, his whole family had come to the conclusion - and told M - that they knew he had never made a foolish decision before and that they were behind him. And then my mother-in-law went about the business of telling the rest of the family about the coming wedding. 

She did not cry. She didn't say one negative thing about me or her son. Even when people tried to "empathize" with her, even when it seemed they were just digging for the dirt on me. She never gave in. 

And because of her, my introduction into M's family was never a sad affair. Maybe everyone knew that Ammi couldn't have been happy about it, but they never had any stories to hold onto and project onto me when they first met me. When they met me, I was able to present my OWN first impression. And I'm happy to say that I truly have a place in M's family. Even his extended aunts and uncles, cousins and whatever else comes after that - even they seem to like me, like to spend time with me and bring me gifts, ask about me and ask to speak to me on the phone even if they only know a little bit of English. I can't speak for the other girl, but when we've been at the same functions, it doesn't seem like we share these same affections. I don't mean to say it is all her mother-in-law's fault - I think there are other reasons, too, but I've always been aware of the importance of the fact that M's immediate family rallied around him and his controversial decision - even though they may have been against it themselves - and presented a united front. 

And that is just one of the reasons I know that my mother-in-law is a rare and wonderful woman. Not a lot of Pakistani mothers could have done that, and I am very grateful.